Not The End Of The Road
by surrendersomething
Summary: “You’ve never been here before... it’s only your first time.” Meredith and Derek – how season 4 could’ve played out, from 4.07 onward.
1. Rose Tinted

**Not The End Of The Road**

_**Author:**_ Sarah

_**Rating:**_ T

_**Pairing:**_ Meredith & Derek

_**Disclaimer:**_Nothing is mine. Nada. Rien. Lyrics are from "End of the Road" by Boyz II Men. Old school, I know, but I love the song for many reasons, largely to do with my obsessive personality.

_**Summary:**_"You've never been here before... it's only your first time." Meredith and Derek – how season 4 could've played out, from 4.07 onward.

_**Authors Note:**_so I've been sitting on this for a while, ever since I watched 4.07 a few weeks ago (I know, I was a little behind, but its exam season. Procrastination is everything.) and I was particularly inspired by that last scene in Derek's trailer, where Meredith didn't want to leave. My brain started thinking "how could this have gone differently?", especially as I watched the following episodes. So this chapter starts where 4.07 left off, and I have provisional chapters after 4.08, 4.10 and 4.11 at the moment (ignoring, to some extent, the obvious Rose issues, which will be resolved before we get to the kissing.) – I haven't decided whether I want to do anything with the latest two episodes and the clinical trial, because I'm not honestly sure it'd work in the relationship framework.

So, this is how the Meredith and Derek saga could've worked out a little happier, starting the night after 4.07. I'd really appreciate people's thoughts on it, it's always lovely to know what people think!

* * *

_--_

_Girl, I know you really do love me, you just don't realise_

_You've never been here before... it's only your first time._

_--_

"So what did you do tonight?" Meredith offered with a slow smile, well-versed in their nightly routine as she dipped her head for another lingering kiss.

"Nothing much," he whispered against her lips, letting his tongue tangle lazily with hers in-between sentences. "What did _you_ do tonight?"

"...you," she whispered, straight-faced until she caught a look close to indignation on his face, at which point the giggles started. "Sorry, I've been waiting to use that line for nights...Derek!" she giggled, squealing slightly as he pinned her to the bed with a growl, willingly giving in to his lips as they captured hers. Her laughter died slowly as she lost herself in a kiss that was surprisingly tender, especially when you considered the crass joke she'd just made. Tangling her fingers loosely into the hair at the nape of his neck, she allowed herself to relax into the firm pressure of his body against hers, the warmth of his skin... and the undeniable shiver that ran down her spine as his fingers brushed lightly against her cheek.

And the realisation hit.

That she'd never felt as at home in a kiss than she did in his. In a kiss, in an embrace, in a bed in a trailer... somehow, she'd grown to equate them all with safety and security.

With being wanted, even if she had imposed the strangest conditions on that feeling.

His fingers stroked her cheek with a little more intent, and as his thumb slid to rub gently underneath her ear, she realised that he'd stopped kissing her and was regarding her with an expression that conveyed just the right amount of concern... but didn't quite dare ask what she was thinking, lest it drive her out of his bed.

His very warm, and very comfortable bed. Which Meredith herself was beginning to realise was largely down to its occupant, not the quality of the mattress or sheets...

"Hi," she whispered softly, at a loss for anything else to say.

"Hey," he offered just as quietly, letting his fingers trail lightly through her hair as a slow smile crossed his face. "What's going on up there?" he ventured eventually, tapping her forehead gently.

"It's been a long day," she replied softly, shifting slightly to rest her head against his chest. He moved easily to accommodate her change in position, his arm resting lazily around her shoulders. "Izzie and George are treating me like their new agony aunt, Cristina's pissed because Hahn hates her..."

"Mark has a thing for Hahn," Derek commented lazily, smirking slightly.

"Really?" she questioned slowly, giggling slightly at the thought. "So... you and Mark are friends?" she questioned, tipping her head up to glance at him.

"I think we might be getting there. I guess... life's too short to focus on everything that's gone wrong," he replied, gently tangling his fingers in her hair. "He's... like my brother, I guess. Can't stay mad at someone you love for long..."

With that final sentence, she began to realise that not everything he was saying was directed solely at his relationship with Mark.

"I guess you're right," she said softly. "I'm glad. That you're friends, I mean."

"Me too," he replied. "And for what it's worth? Even if it goes way beyond the sex and mockery and scares you out of my bed, I'm glad we're..." he trailed off, suddenly lost for the words to define them.

Much like she was, if she was honest.

"It's not going to scare me out of your bed," she offered quietly, dipping her gaze away for a second. "I mean, it's far too warm and comfortable... and it's _cold_ out there," she joked weakly, risking a quick glance up at him.

"Well then," he said quietly, his rapid blinking alerting her to just the faintest sheen across his eyes. "I'm glad," he repeated simply, nodding decisively as a smile crossed his lips for a second. "I'm glad..."

"Do you think... maybe, I could stay here tonight?" she cut in softly, keeping her eyes locked on his.

"I think I'd be okay with that," he replied, with the most meaningful smile she'd seen in months. "Does this...?" he voiced tentatively, barely trusting himself to get the words out.

"I don't know," she replied honestly, allowing herself to reach down and link her fingers with his, in a gesture she hoped spoke louder than words.

"Well do you think, maybe... I could buy you dinner tomorrow night?" he asked, taking on the form of her earlier question.

"I think I'd be okay with that too," she offered quietly.

--

As Richard stepped out of his trailer the next morning, he was met by the delicate and unmistakable sound of female laughter. Unmistakable, in that it belonged to a female resident for whom he had a certain affinity. Their voices drifted over to him as he busied himself with collecting something from just inside the trailer.

"You see, _this_ is the benefit of a proper breakfast!" Derek insisted, with a low chuckle that sounded perfectly in tune with hers.

"I still say leftover grilled cheese has some positives," she countered with a slow smile, huddled up on the step next to him, looking impossibly small all wrapped up in his coat, as she reached over to swipe another piece of toast off his plate. "In fact," she continued, resting her head against his shoulder, "one of these days I'm going to force you to sit down and eat it in the morning. _Then_ you'll experience its redeeming qualities.

"I look forward to it," he teased, one arm resting easily behind her as he speared a piece of trout with his fork, waving it temptingly towards her.

Or so he thought.

"For now though, you can keep that... fish... to yourself!" she insisted, attempting to move as far away as she could. Not that he was letting her get very far at all.

Not that she was fighting that hard to _get_ away, for that matter.

"I cook you breakfast and you reject it..."

"I'm very grateful," she insisted, waving her toast as evidence. "But I'm good with this... oh, good morning, Chief," she added as he neared. Richard watched as she clearly fought an internal battle over whether such a situation required her to be a professional distance away from the neurosurgeon beside her, and he presumed it was a combination of the knowledge that he'd caught them in a far more compromising position already, the warmth radiating off the man next to her, and the gentle tug of Derek's hand on her waist that persuaded her that her current position was perfectly acceptable.

"Meredith," Richard greeted warmly. "Derek," he added, to which Derek responded with a simple nod towards the table, which held another plate of breakfast.

"You know, you can just tell him you don't want trout every morning," Meredith offered perceptively, catching the briefest glimpse of a less-than-impressed look on Richard's face before nudging Derek lightly. "Don't you have some of that... muesli... health nut type stuff you could offer him tomorrow? I know, I know," she continued instantly, waving her hand at the look on his face. "It's fresh, hand-caught fish, it's the best in Seattle, you've told me that many times, but you're probably the _only_man who can eat it every single morning. Anyway, I have to go, so you can argue this out between yourselves and I will see you at the hospital," she finished with a smile, shrugging Derek's jacket off and reaching behind them for her bag and keys.

Richard caught Derek's quick squeeze of her hand as she stood up, and observed quietly the genuine smile that crossed her lips before she turned to face Derek a little more. "Seven thirty tonight, right?" she asked softly, nodding slightly in response to his affirmation. "Okay then. Chief," she added with a nod in his direction, before setting off towards her car.

Leaving the two men to sit in silence. One watching the young woman leaving with an almost paternal concern... the other watching her like she was the love of his life.

"She looks happy," he commented, drawing Derek's attention away from her retreating form. "You both do, for that matter..."

"I think we might finally be getting somewhere," Derek acknowledged, conscious suddenly of who he was talking to, and what he could be thinking.

"It is the first time I've seen her in the morning," Richard commented perceptively, gesturing a little as if to suggest he wasn't judging.

"I know how that must look, I... I'm taking her for dinner tonight," Derek commented quietly, realising himself how ridiculous their situation must look to an outsider.

"You deserve it," Richard commented eventually, glancing over at the younger man. "The happy ending, I mean. The both of you do. I know I should be concerned about the hospital politics, but... I consider her the daughter I never had, Derek, so if she gets her happy ending..." Derek nodded, accepting the unspoken warning gracefully. "Now, about this trout..."

"How does muesli suit you?" Derek replied dryly, unable to stop a smile crossing his lips.

--

"Hey, it's the dirty stop-out!" Alex called cheerfully, foiling Meredith's attempt to slip up to her friends unnoticed as they stood behind the nurse's desk.

"Thanks," she muttered dryly, resolutely ignoring Cristina's piercing gaze. "Now not only has the Chief seen me naked, we've also had breakfast together," she muttered to Alex as he leant against the wall next to her.

"The Chief's seen you _naked_?!" Izzie screeched, just a little too loudly.

"**Izzie**!" Meredith hissed, shooting her friend a glare. "I'd prefer it if the whole hospital _didn't_ know that particular piece of information..."

"Staying over now, are we?" Cristina questioned dryly, raising an eyebrow at Meredith. "Really good 'broken up' behaviour there..."

"It... shut up!" she hissed at Cristina, running a hand anxiously through her hair.

"Are you and McDreamy together again?" Izzie asked excitedly, dropping her charts down next to Meredith. "Oh this is so exciting! ...and at least _some_one is getting some good sex at last," she muttered, more to herself than to the group.

"Meredith's never _not_ been getting the good sex," Alex countered smoothly, with a smirk. "And who's to say she's the only one here getting some?!"

"Shut it, evil spawn," Cristiana snapped. "I don't need, or want, to know about your sex life. Izzie, you can keep yours to yourself too, I _really_ don't need to think about Bambi in the sack any more than I have to; and Meredith." Dragging her friend's name out and turning on her, she paused for a long moment. "Stop dodging the question."

"We're **not** back together. We haven't talked about it, yet..."

"So you're thinking about it?" Izzie questioned instantly.

"No... maybe. I don't know. Cristina!" she exclaimed desperately. "Bitch about Hahn, anything, please!"

"You stayed over," Cristina just repeated calmly, regarding Meredith silently.

"Okay, okay. _I_ asked if I could stay. I did the asking, okay? It still scares the crap out of me, but maybe..."

"You're ready?" Cristina asked slowly, just nodding to herself. "To talk about it, at least."

"It's safe," she replied quietly, a look passing between the two friends, before Meredith lowered her voice even further. "He's safe. I guess it just... took me a while to realise what that meant." Cristina nodded slowly, before turning back to her charts.

"Man, if sex and mockery can change your mind about dumping Shepherd, then the sex _must_ be amazing." Alex commented, accompanying the thought with a low whistle, dragging the conversation away from Meredith's confession as she shot him a look that mixed gratitude with a dash of contempt.

"I've heard it," Izzie commented dryly, rolling her eyes in memory.

"So have we, Iz!" snapped Alex and Meredith simultaneously, causing the blonde to blush a furious shade of red.

"Okay, so everything's on its way to happy in the land of McDreamy, Izzie and Bambi are having issues... can we go now?" Cristina asked impatiently before anyone could start another conversation, marching off down the hall without waiting for a response.

"How did you end up having breakfast with the Chief anyway?" Izzie questioned, desperate to drag the subject away from herself as the other three began to follow Cristina, unaware of the presence in dark blue scrubs, conveniently hidden behind a corner.

"Oh, Derek cooks for him," Meredith replied with a giggle. "Since they're, you know... practically living together and all. It's really very domestic..."

"Derek's got his own little trailer park!"

"Izzie!"

--

"So, you cook the Chief breakfast now?" Mark questioned, dropping himself somewhat dramatically into a seat in the gallery next to Derek.

"Excuse me?"

"Your intern... resident... whatever. Grey should be more careful about who's listening when she's gossiping with her friends," he replied with a smirk.

"Mark, I swear if you make _one_ more comment about the Chief staying–"

"So Grey's staying the night now, hmm?" Mark cut in smoothly, relishing with a certain sense of pride in the second shocked look on his friend's face in a matter of minutes that he was responsible for. "Does this mean the sex and mockery is over? Hey, I'm only asking," he added quickly, holding his hands up in surrender at the venomous look Derek shot him, "in the nature of us being friends and all..."

"You just want the gossip," Derek shot back perceptively, still focused on the surgery taking place in front of them.

"Oh I got quite enough of that from Meredith without having to go through the trauma of asking... and _now_ I realise why you were so snappy with the Chief the other day," he commented casually. "That's gotta be top of the embarrassment list, right, especially with the Chief and Meredith..."

"She stayed last night, it was her decision, I'm buying her dinner tonight, are you satisfied now?" Derek reeled off smoothly, unable to stop the slight smile that quirked at the corner of his lips.

"Uh huh," Mark replied, nodding his head. "So if you want to change the subject, you won't be interested in hearing what she had to say..."

"I'd rather hear it from her, thanks all the same," Derek answered. "How's that... thing you have. For Hahn?"

"Yeah, I'm going to leave now," Mark muttered, exiting the gallery to the sound of Derek's laughter.

--

"Remember the last time we did this?" Meredith asked with a slow smile, gently swinging their linked hands as they walked up her driveway. Derek chuckled to himself, shaking his head slightly.

"Promise me there's going to be no vet when I go to kiss you at your door?" he asked with a smirk. She rolled her eyes, smacking his arm lightly.

"No vet," she confirmed with a smile, hesitating as they reached the doorstep.

"Do you... want to go sit, for a while?" he asked, gesturing to the porch swing. She nodded quickly, and he led her over, settling for continuing to hold her hand rather than slipping an arm around her shoulders, conscious as he was that this night _had_ to be a success.

In more than one way, the entire future of their relationship rested on it.

"Thank you for dinner," she said eventually, turning a little to face him, tucking one leg underneath the other. "I was... I'm not gunna lie," she told him with a smile, "I was a little worried that you'd choose some stupidly fancy place where I'd use the wrong knife and fork and spill my water all over the place, but... it was perfect."

"Most of the times I've been to restaurants like that, it hasn't been through choice," he told her with a slow smile. "Just because I know what order to use my cutlery in doesn't necessarily mean I enjoy it."

"That's... surprisingly reassuring," she commented, laughing softly. He grinned, squeezing her fingers gently.

"So on a scale of one to ten," he started, shaking his head as she started to look confused. "On a scale of one to ten, tell me how scary all this is." She managed to shoot a grateful smile in his direction, their well-tested scale putting her at ease a little.

"It was a seven," she said softly. "After that line, maybe a six?"

"Six is... workable," he said quietly. "I mean, it's no five, or four... three even," he continued with a smile, just squeezing her hand again. "But at least it gives us plenty of scope for improvement." Meredith laughed a little, letting her head rest against his shoulder.

She knew that silence wasn't really an option in response, but she was honestly lost for words. Asking if she could sleep in his bed the night before had been a colossal achievement on her part, and this was about as far out of her comfort zone as she imagined she could possibly ever get.

But something inside her told her that it really _was_ now or never.

And that was the clincher, really. All the other times, it hadn't really been over. It had just been close. But now she'd started this thing, there really was no going back.

"I guess we have a lot to talk about," she said softly, her voice betraying the lack of confidence behind her words. "The last year's been..."

"Pretty intense?" he asked softly. "Meredith, I... I'm not expecting us to talk about everything all at once. Just so you know that."

"So I don't have to sit here all night and bare every inch of my soul to you?" she asked softly, managing a slight smile.

"Let's just talk for a bit," he said softly. "We haven't done that for a long time."

"Derek I don't know if we've ever talked properly," she countered softly, with a gentle shrug of her shoulders.

"Well there can be a first for everything," he told her after a moment, smiling softly. "Maybe you could start by telling me about the conversation you had with your friends when you got to work this morning," he offered, dragging the conversation back to what he hoped was a more comfortable point for a moment.

"You... I..." she spluttered, blinking rapidly. "How do you know I had a conversation with my friends this morning?"

"Mark has a habit of hiding behind corners," he replied with a slight smirk. "Somehow he managed to pick up on the fact not only that I cook the Chief breakfast, but also that the Chief has seen you naked, and that you stayed last night..."

"Ah. I... sorry about that," she replied sheepishly, shooting him a remorseful grin. "I'll check round corners next time." She paused for a moment, letting her fingers slip comfortably between his. "Alex noticed that I didn't come home last night, Izzie got a little over-excited that we were getting back together, and Cristina grilled me," she told him eventually, smiling as he chuckled at the stereotypical behaviour of her friends.

"Mark was offering to tell me the gossip," Derek told her softly, letting his thumb rub lightly over the back of her hand. "I told him I'd rather hear it from you, if you want to tell me."

"I..." she shook her head slightly, thinking back over the conversation from that morning. "I said you were safe," she continued eventually, looking down at her lap for a long moment. "I'm not sure how that translates into gossip though, because it wouldn't make that much sense if you weren't Cristina."

"You think I'm safe?" he asked softly, reaching out to tip her chin up gently. She nodded slowly, unable to stop a whisper of a smile crossing her lips.

"I, uhh..." she shook her head slowly, trying to get her head around the whole situation. "I told Cristina that this wasn't all about the sex, it was... about afterwards, when we'd just lie there for a while, and it felt safe. There's not a lot that feels safe at the moment, Derek," she added quietly, completely unaware of where her confidence was coming from. "But you do, no matter how much I've tried to deny it. I stayed last night because it was safe." She paused, suddenly at a loss for words once again. "But I can't translate safe into a relationship, no matter how much I want to. I have... abandonment issues. Cristina diagnosed me. Well, the psych textbook did really, I suppose."

"You looked for answers to our relationship in a... psych book?"

"I've never done this before, remember? We're doctors, it made sense," she defended quietly, dropping her gaze to her lap again and trying to ignore the sinking feeling that she was screwing everything up.

Derek sat up a little, running his hand through his hair in frustration, more at himself than at the girl in front of him, who was making every effort she could to talk to him.

"I'm sorry, Mer," he said quietly. "I forget that you've never been here before. You looked for answers, that's the important thing."

"Yeah," she said softly. "Derek I don't want to date other people," she started shakily, raising her eyes to look at him. "I don't want you to date other people, I don't... want to get over you. But I don't know where to go from here. You've said... you've said a lot of _huge_ things recently, Derek, and I just can't handle those right now, so I don't know what happens next. I don't know how we 

work on it, but... I know that I want to. Even saying it petrifies me," she added, her voice dropping to a whisper, "but if you want to work on it too..."

He closed his eyes, and for a heartbeat she thought she'd said too much. Said the wrong thing, no matter how hard she'd tried not to.

"Do you feel safe now?" he asked eventually.

"Vulnerable doesn't quite cover it right now," she offered quietly, biting her lip sharply between her teeth. "In fact, it's a huge freaking understatement. This couldn't be further out of my comfort zone, but this is me compromising, Derek. This is how much I want this."

And for him, that was the clincher.

Sacrifice.

"Those huge things I told you," he said softly, finally daring to look at her. "They don't... they don't have to happen right now."

"You're sacrificing..." she whispered quietly. "Settling."

"Every relationship involves sacrifice," he said simply. "I want those things, Meredith, and you have to know, you deserve to know that they'll always be on the back burner. But I want them with _you_. So if I have to wait a while to get that, then it's a sacrifice I'm willing to make." Drawing her eyes up to his, she nodded slowly, well aware of the raw edge to his voice.

"So we're fighting? For this?" she asked quietly, finding her own voice had a rough quality to match his.

"We're fighting," he agreed, squeezing his eyes shut for a long moment as she scooted across the swing, closing the gap he hadn't even realised had formed between them. And as she let her head rest against his chest, her arms encircling as much of his torso as they could, he realised that she hadn't vetoed the huge things he'd told her.

In fact, she'd acknowledged them straight on.

And as he wrapped his arms around her shoulders, letting a whisper of a kiss brush against her forehead, somehow it was more than enough for him.

"Do you remember when you said you'd show up?" she asked quietly, risking a quick glance up at him to check he did. "Well... this is me. Showing up." He nodded slowly, leaning down to close the gap between them. And for the first time in weeks, as she reached up a little to seal her lips against his, neither of them felt like they were standing on thin ice. Just like she hadn't been scared out of his bed the night before, she hadn't been scared out of the relationship that night.

It wasn't all right again, but it certainly wasn't a train wreck either.

And even though it seemed like neither of them were really cut out for perfection, compared to all the nights they'd spent alone even when they were together, it felt pretty much like what they imagined perfect would... without the rose tinted glasses.

"I don't want it to be a six," she offered eventually, going back to the start of their conversation after a long silence. "It just might take a little time, but... I'll keep you updated every time it changes."

"Is it still a six?" he asked, pressing a kiss against her lips once again.

"Maybe a five and a half?"

"I think I can accept those odds."

_tbc. _


	2. Baby Steps

**Not The End Of The Road**

_**Chapter: **_Baby Steps

_**Author:**_ Sarah

_**Rating:**_ T

_**Pairing:**_ Meredith & Derek

_**Disclaimer:**_Nothing is mine. Nada. Rien. Lyrics again from "End of the Road" by Boyz II Men. It inspired me when this story was half finished, so...

_**Summary:**_"You've never been here before... it's only your first time." Meredith and Derek – how season 4 could've played out, from 4.07 onward.

_**Authors Note:**_wow. Thank you guys so much for the response to the last chapter, I'm so glad you enjoyed it! I find it quite hard to reconcile the Meredith here with the Meredith on the show at times, but I really do believe that she would've fought when it came to it. So we'll see how it pans out. Anyway. This chapter takes place at the end of 4.08 – essentially, it ignores the date with Sydney, because really, who needed to see that?! However, as you'll notice, Rose does make a _very_ brief appearance, merely because she's not a horrible person, and she will be dealt with in later chapters how she should've been on the show! Also, I was totally in love with that scene with Derek and Miranda so I've finished that off a little, and the Thatcher saga most definitely happened, as it did on the show, with one slight difference which I'm sure you'll pick up on.

Enjoy, and please let me know if you're still enjoying this!

* * *

--

_Will you love me again like you loved me before?  
This time I want you to love me much more.  
This time instead, just come to my bed, & baby just don't let me go._

_--_

"What are you doing still sitting here in the lobby?" Miranda snapped eventually, conveniently ignoring the fact that she'd ordered him to sit mere minutes ago. "Don't you have some hotshot attending life to be leading?"

"I'm good here," he replied, knowing better than to turn the full McDreamy smile on her for the simple fear of getting slapped.

Something he definitely didn't put past Miranda Bailey.

Particularly as she currently had one eyebrow quirked disbelievingly at the thought that he had nowhere better to be.

Which he did, if he was honest. Considering what he'd seen earlier, he knew that Meredith might not be coping too well, and he was desperate to get to her. But he had a strange amount of respect for the chief resident sitting next to him, and right in that moment, he _was_ good right where he was.

Not that Miranda would take that news sitting down.

"Okay, I'm meeting Meredith at Joe's," he confessed eventually when the intensity of her glare became too great, unable to hide the slight smile that crossed his lips at the thought.

"You're meeting Meredith," she repeated slowly, fixing him with a gaze that he'd almost have described as maternal. Fierce, but definitely maternal. "You. Are meeting. Meredith. Meredith who's been _moping_ about you for weeks. Meredith who's –"

"Yes," he cut in quickly, fixing her with a firm gaze of his own. And suddenly, her eyes softened.

"Well don't let me go making you late for your '_date_'," she commented slowly, smirking slightly. "And don't you go screwing with my intern again."

"If I have anything to say, Miranda, this won't be something that ever gets screwed up again."

"You promise that girl forever and a day, Shepherd," she informed him calmly in response. "Forever and a day, and a year after that too."

--

"Hey," he commented slowly, leaning against the bar to her right hand side. Meredith looked over with a slow smile, raising her drink slightly in greeting. It was long and mixed in a break from the usual tequila, and he instantly caught the sadness lurking behind her eyes and her smile. "I saw you sitting with the Chief earlier... are you okay?" he asked gently, letting his fingers brush lightly against his shoulder. She nodded eventually, letting her head slowly fall to rest against his arm. He moved his fingers briefly, letting them brush with the gentlest touch against the corner of her eyes.

Not that there were any tears there to wipe away, anymore.

"I guess maybe I was... a little stupid to think that drunk Thatcher could even possibly have been a good thing," she offered quietly, and he noted the change of name with sadness and just a tinge of anger.

"I'm sorry," he offered genuinely, slipping his arm round to squeeze her other shoulder gently.

"Me too," she replied quietly. "Me too..."

Taking a seat on the stool next to her, he nodded slowly, just letting his cheek rest against her hair, perfectly happy to sit in companionable silence until she was ready to talk.

"I just... he said all these things, Derek," she said quietly, her voice sounding far rougher than it had that morning, coarse with the pain of rejection, yet again. "He said so many nice things... was it so bad of me to want that?"

"Meredith," he began quietly, searching for the words to try and even start to take away the pain.

"Was it that stupid? To think that maybe he could..." she whispered quietly.

"No, Meredith, it wasn't stupid," he told her quietly. "You're a wonderful person and anyone should be more than proud to call you their daughter."

"He said he was a life... lifetime's worth of proud," she told him, her voice cracking slightly as she turned red eyes up to his. "But tomorrow he probably won't even remember my name."

"You deserve so much more than him, Meredith," Derek told her firmly, having to squeeze his own eyes shut for a long moment. "So much more..."

"All I want is for..." she trailed off, leaving the '_someone to love me_' unsaid. Because it was becoming more and more apparent every day that she _did_ have someone to love her... as soon as she was ready to let him. "My father's an alcoholic," she said quietly, closing her eyes again. "I don't know how to deal with that... I don't know if I even want to _call_ him my father."

"I want to call you my girlfriend," he cut in quietly, surprising even himself at the sincerity in his words. "I know... this is the most ridiculous time to tell you that, but _I_ want you Meredith, and I want you and everyone else to know that."

"Thank you," she whispered shakily, turning tear-filled eyes up to meet his. "I... you have _no_ idea how much I needed to hear that..."

"Do you want to get out of here?" he asked quietly, meeting her grateful nod by holding out her coat ready for her to slip into. Glancing across the bar as he helped her up, he met Mark's gaze with a sharp shake of his head, and managed to shoot a friendly glance at the OR nurse he had befriended that evening, before turning his attention back to Meredith as she shot him a weak smile, all thoughts of the rest of the bar forgotten as he shrugged his own jacket on, caught her hand loosely in his, and headed up the stairs with her.

Knowing he'd do everything in his power to take the pain away, even a little.

--

Richard sat in front of his trailer; legs stretched out in front of him and crossed at the ankle, and he glanced up from his book as headlights flashed across the gravel. He glanced back down for a second, managing to locate his point on the page again only to snap his gaze back up sharply when he heard not one but two doors open on the car that pulled up.

He'd been waiting to talk to Derek about the day's events, but his mind hadn't quite connected that with the thought that perhaps Meredith had gotten to him first.

He was so used to the fact that their communication skills were somewhat lacking, that it hadn't really seemed an option.

But as Derek moved quickly around to the passenger side to guide Meredith out, locking the car with a quick press of a button over his shoulder whilst his free arm simultaneously snaked around her shoulder, it was clear that that was exactly what had happened.

And as Meredith's own arm crept around his torso, it was even clearer to Richard that this was who she'd really needed.

Derek's lips dropped briefly onto her hair, leaning down a little further to whisper something into her ear before straightening up, meeting Richard's eyes calmly as the Chief stood up and took the few steps to meet them.

"How're you doing, Meredith?" Richard asked, smiling warmly at the young woman in front of him.

"I...'m doing okay," she replied, and if her voice was a little shaky, all three of them ignored it. "Thank you... for earlier, I..."

"Anytime, Meredith. Anytime," he told her sincerely. "Now as long as you're okay, don't stand here getting cold for me," he urged them with a sudden desire not to intrude on what he suddenly felt was a deeply private, and possibly crucial moment between the two of them. Moving to turn back to his trailer, he only paused in his step as he heard Derek urge Meredith to head inside, promising he'd only be a minute behind her. She accepted it instantly, untangling herself from his arms and heading quietly towards his trailer, metal door banging slowly behind her.

"Uh, Richard..." Derek began somewhat awkwardly, shaking his head slightly. "I..."

"You don't have to thank me, Derek."

"She's everything to me, Richard," he replied frankly, shaking his head slowly. "She's been let down enough times in her life already, and I include myself in that list, more than once. So I do have to thank you, because I'm glad she _has_ you."

"I realised something as you stepped out of the car. When she was sitting in my office, she wasn't just upset about what that... man, did to her, yet again. She was crying because she wanted _you_, Derek. So she might have me, she might have Yang and Stevens, O'Malley, Karev... Bailey, even. But all she really wanted today was you, even if she hasn't admitted it yet. So you just stop thanking me, and get in there and make sure she knows she _does_ have you."

"I..."

"Go. Tell it to her, don't waste it on me," Richard instructed firmly, turning and heading towards his trailer, smiling as he heard the neurosurgeon's footsteps heading confidently in the direction of his own trailer.

It wasn't meddling, he told himself. Merely nudging them in the right direction.

Not that Derek had needed a lot of nudging, he mused, as he heard the trailer door bang for the second time that night.

And in fact, as Derek stepped over to the trailer, his concern for Meredith immediately overwrote every word of the conversation he'd just had, at least momentarily.

"Hey," he spoke softly as he entered the trailer, greeted by an impossibly fragile image right before his eyes.

"Hi," she whispered quietly, drawing her legs up a little further, wrapping both arms around them as she sat tucked into the corner of the little booth he was now hating on many levels. It was only when she moved, swiping a thumb against the corner of her eye in a last ditch attempt to keep her composure and catch the moisture before it turned into proper tears that he was shaken back to the reality of the situation and moved, resting a palm against the table as leverage to enable him to reach over and squeeze the hand that still snaked around her legs. The tremble that met him shook him even further, as he attempted to find the words to make her feel better.

"Come to bed with me," he blurted eventually, regretting that particular choice of words the second they escaped his lips as she turned an almost incredulous look on him. "_Not_ in the way you think I mean, but this booth is too damn small for me to get in there and hold you properly, and you look like you could do with a hug right now. So please, come to bed with me," he urged gently, squeezing her fingers tighter to quell the shakes.

There was a long, painful moment where she didn't move, and he didn't realise he was holding his breath until she uncurled her limbs and allowed him to draw her up and out of the booth, and he exhaled in a long sigh.

"You're rambling," she informed him quietly, willingly allowing him to wrap his arms tightly around her for a long second.

"I'm aware of that," he replied, tightening his arms around her for a second before releasing her. They crossed the trailer in a matter of seconds, and he released her as they stepped into the bedroom, peeling off his jumper and shirt before passing the latter over to her.

"Make yourself comfortable," he told her quietly. "You don't... you haven't left any of your stuff here lately, and this is about me wanting to hold you, not have sex with you." He caught the imperceptible way in which her shoulders sagged with relief at the honesty in his voice, and it stabbed painfully in his heart that their relationship had become all about sex recently. "Get changed," he urged her quietly, taking a step to close the distance between them and wrapping his arms around her again for a long moment, "and come to bed with me."

"Can I leave some stuff here?" she whispered eventually, her voice slightly muffled against his chest. He breathed out a chuckle, tightening his arms around her for a long moment.

"Course you can," he murmured against her hair, completely unable to stop a smile crossing his lips. "Of course you can," he repeated, loosening his arms just enough to drop a lingering kiss 

against her lips. Stepping away, he flashed her one final smile before walking into the bedroom, kicking away his jeans in a practised motion, caring little about where they fell.

The gentle swish of fabric coming from somewhere behind him told him she was doing the same thing, and as he climbed into bed she was mere seconds behind him, gratefully accepting the arm he held out as she lent her head against his shoulder.

"How're you holding up?" he asked quietly, squeezing her shoulder gently before letting his fingers trail lightly along her arm. He felt her shrug a little, and tuck herself a tiny bit closer to him as a shiver ripped through her body.

"I don't know," she voiced quietly, taking a long moment to consider her next words. "Part of me is angry," she admitted eventually. "Angry with Lexie for shattering the tiny piece of hope I had, angry with _him_ for..." she stopped abruptly, and with a sharp shake of her head fell silent for a long moment. "Angry with myself," she added eventually with a bitter chuckle, shaking her head again. "For letting myself be taken in..."

"Hope is never a bad thing," he told her quietly, letting his cheek rest against her hair. "What about the other part of you?"

"Sad?" she asked softly, "disappointed? Let down? I'm not... I don't think there's a word to describe it. He's never going to be the father... he's never going to _be_ a lifetime's worth of proud, no matter how much I want him to be."

"You've got this far without him," he commented quietly, "do you really need him now?"

"Need and want are two different things," she told him softly, shaking her head a little. "I don't _need_ him, and I even know that my life will probably be ten times better _without _him, but I want the memories. I want more memories than just a red truck on my fifth birthday and then a memory of him leaving."

"You have a family, Meredith," Derek cut in quietly. "Don't look at me like that; if the last year's taught the rest of the hospital anything, it's that your group of interns have a ridiculously fierce bond that it's almost impossible to break in to. They might not be your family in the strictest sense, but tell me you don't have a hundred different memories from this year."

They both fell silent at that thought, and she nodded slowly as a host of memories slipped through her mind, most silly and insignificant... inconsequential even.

But that was what the best memories were.

And then, unbidden, it felt like a thousand memories slipped into her mind... a thousand memories in which he took centre stage right along with her. Watching the sunrise over the ferryboats more than once – sometimes accompanied by red wine, coffee or breakfast; sometimes with serious conversation, sometimes a little gentle teasing and inconsequential chatter, or maybe even a little fooling around in the confines of his car.

Sneaking away for some private time and a little more fooling around in his car the night of Izzie's infamous meet-the-hockey-player party. Those tantalising first kisses, first nights, first mornings together...

Rare and lazy days off spent in the privacy of his trailer, finally rousing themselves from the comfort of his bed at some shameful hour of the afternoon, sometimes venturing only to the kitchen to eat before retreating back under the covers; other times walking around his land, searching out the best views.

Sometimes, getting more than a little distracted when they'd found said views.

"Hundred memories?" he asked softly, catching her attention before it could drift to the less than happy times they'd spent together.

"I was thinking about that little clearing we found on your land," she offered quietly, a smile finally quirking across her lips. His laugh was low as the memory slipped into his mind too, and he shook his head a little.

"When I said memories... you thought of me?"

"Yeah," she replied simply, linking her fingers loosely through his where they rested on his thigh.

"Well maybe we'll find that clearing again one day," he offered with a smile, giving her fingers a gentle squeeze. "I'm glad, Mer. I'm glad you remember the happy stuff."

"Me too," she told him quietly, letting a soft sigh escape her lips and falling quiet as another memory slipped, uncalled for, into her mind. "When I was younger, I used to think there were monsters that lived in my wardrobe," she added quietly after a long pause, tucking her head comfortably into the gap between his shoulder and neck. "He... my dad told me they were just trying on my clothes, and I... I don't know if I thought all monsters were female, because why else would they be trying on my clothes, or if I thought all male monsters were cross-dressers, which is really a bit of a sophisticated thought for a four-year-old...but I wasn't scared of them after that."

"I bet you were a cute child," he told her with a chuckle, dropping a kiss against her hair. "Did you ramble as much as you do now?" She managed a slight smile at that, shaking her head a little. "Maybe... you should just try and separate the memories you have like that from what you know now," he suggested gently. "Those memories are of your father, and Thatcher... he doesn't deserve to call himself that. Not anymore."

"I don't have many more memories," she answered honestly. "That and the red truck... that's about my limit on memories. I might have a photographic memory now, but that obviously developed later in life."

"Not many people remember that much about their childhood," he offered quietly, gently guiding her a little closer as his own thoughts drifted a little.

"What do you remember about your dad?" she asked softly, turning surprisingly moist eyes up to meet his. "I'm sorry, if you don't..." she trailed off, realising seconds too late that the question might bring back some unhappy memories.

"I don't have anywhere near as many memories as I wish I did. But...if I'm half the man he was," Derek told her eventually, his hold on her tightening imperceptibly, "then that's okay with me." She nodded slowly, reaching up to place a kiss against his cheek, before settling back into his side with a slight shiver, accepting the corner of the blanket he pulled over them gratefully.

"It wouldn't surprise me if you were more than that," she offered quietly, closing her eyes for a long moment. "I guess neither of us have perfect childhoods to speak of," she commented eventually, not saying a word if she noticed that he was holding her hand a lot tighter than he had been before she'd asked her question.

"My family are amazing," he said softly, "and I'm not saying that to make you feel bad, I'm saying that because it's the truth. They might piss the hell out of me at times, but they're all lovely. Even Nancy," he added, managing a slightly wry smile. "So I know it's not the same by a long stretch, but I... I guess what I'm trying to say is that I understand what it's like to feel like you're missing out on a whole bunch of memories. It hurts, Mer, and it's okay that it hurts, because that says a lot about who you are."

"I'm not used to letting it hurt," she told him frankly, with a tiny shrug of her shoulders. "It's never really been an option." He nodded slowly, again wanting nothing more than to protect her from every nasty thing that came her way.

And in that particular moment, from Thatcher Grey.

But that wasn't the point. It wasn't about him protecting her; it was about her doing it on her own. And if she needed a little help along the way, well _that_ was what he was there for.

"Maybe you could learn to give it a go?" he suggested quietly, rubbing her arm gently. "And when it hurts too much and you need a hug, we can just sit like this. I'm not trying to fix you," he told her seriously, about to continue when she opened her mouth to speak.

"You're just being all McDreamy again," she whispered with a slight teasing tone. "I know you're not trying to fix me, and I appreciate that. And I am trying."

"And I appreciate that. More than you know..." he replied, catching her eyes with a gaze more honest than anything that had gone before.

"Oh I think I've got some idea," she replied quietly, her smile growing a little with confidence as all thoughts of Thatcher were forgotten for a second. "Would you... would you maybe tell me more about your family some time?" she asked eventually, shaking her head a little as the man who wanted to call himself her father dropped back into the front of her thoughts. "Not tonight, I... don't think I could cope with it right now, but soon? I mean... I'm going to have to meet them 

at some point, I guess..." she added, gesturing for him to start speaking when she realised she was rambling.

"I'd love to," he told her softly, gently drawing her a little closer.

"Baby steps," she informed him softly, with the most genuine smile he'd seen all evening. "I'm not _ready_ to meet them yet, and even the thought of it slams the little panic button hidden somewhere inside me right now, I want to be ready to meet them at some point so this... baby steps," she repeated, her cheeks flushing slightly as she realised the absurdity of her comment.

"I think it's more than baby steps," he said softly. "Compared to the last year, they're more like giant steps."

"That's probably an over-exaggeration," she countered quietly, shifting onto her side slightly as he reached over to turn the light off, kissing her lips quickly before curling around her, his chest pressed reassuringly against her back.

"I'm prone to over-exaggeration," he told her, and she felt him smile against her neck. "I guess you're just going to have to learn to deal with it."

"I think that's something I can work on," she said with a smile, linking her fingers through his as they rested on her stomach. "Derek?"

"Yeah?"

"Thank you," she whispered quietly, her thumb tracing a gentle pattern over his knuckles as she hoped he'd understand the significance of those two words. It was more than a thank you for listening, or a thank you for being there when she needed a hug.

It was a thank you for understanding, in more ways than one.

"You're welcome."

_tbc. _


	3. Whole House Full of Dancing

**Not The End Of The Road**

_**Author:**_ Sarah

_**Rating:**_ T

_**Pairing:**_ Meredith & Derek

_**Disclaimer:**_Nothing is mine. Nada. Rien. Lyrics are from "End of the Road" by Boyz II Men again. It is a theme, and I'm not apologising!

_**Summary:**_"You've never been here before... it's only your first time." Meredith and Derek – how season 4 could've played out, from 4.07 onward.

_**Authors Note:**_well, exam one of two is out of the way (and let that be all we say on the matter!), so what better way to celebrate than by kicking myself in to gear and finishing this chapter. The feedback for this has been amazing, I'm so glad that everyone seems to be enjoying it. I think I've made a decision _not_ to go with the clinical trial storyline here, because personally I'm still a tad sceptical about how it's going to end, and also I feel like it'd be a little clichéd in the context of them working things out like they are here. If anyone has any thoughts on it though, I'd love to hear it. Essentially, the next two chapters will deal with the events up to the end of 4.11, then I'm breaking away from canon somewhat, although I think you'll see that what I've worked on so far is definitely inspired by what's happened in the last few weeks. Just as a quick explanation of this chapter, it picks up as if it's the morning after 4.08 (and the previous chapter), goes on to deal with the events of 4.09 and 4.10 (and I hope you'll find the Rose situation far more satisfactory!), and then picks up with a somewhat different version of the breakfast scene in 4.11, sans house plans. Enjoy, and feedback is as always pretty much amazing!

* * *

--

_When I can't sleep at night without holding you tight..._

_--_

"Thank you for the ride," Meredith offered quietly, hoisting her bag over her shoulder as they stepped away from the car and began their trek towards the entrance to Seattle Grace.

"Much as I'd love to keep you locked up in my trailer all day..." he answered, with a smirk that quickly gave way to a full smile when, after a quick glance round, she tangled her fingers with his, swinging their hands gently between them.

"I'm just... not going there," she shot back smoothly, flicking her hair casually over her shoulder. He laughed slowly, giving a gentle tug on her hand in amusement as he realised that it was amazing, really, what a good night's sleep in the arms of the right person could do to someone.

They'd woken up that morning in almost exactly the position they'd fallen asleep in, and as she'd turned slightly red and sore, but genuinely happy eyes up to his he'd lightly kissed beside each eye, the sleepy laugh that met his ears reward enough to fix a permanent smile on his lips for the rest of the day.

And judging by the grin that played across her own lips as he looked at her, even if he hadn't been able to erase the events of the previous day, he'd done a good enough job in taking her mind off it.

"Mer," he called softly, with a gentle pull on her hand to slow her to a halt. She spun on her heel a little to face him, fingers slipping down to his elbow as he rested his hand on her waist. "Yesterday, when we were in the bar, I... said something," he started hesitantly, giving her a chance to think back over the evening. Her eyes shone in recognition eventually, and he took the slow smile that continued to play across her lips as a good sign. "I just wanted you to know that I meant it. I wasn't just saying it to cheer you up or stop you smiling, and Meredith this... this is my own version of baby steps. I don't want to rush you into anything, but I want to be able to call you my girlfriend, because I'm proud to say it, and–" he was cut off by her fingers pressing softly against her lips as she regarded him with a highly amused smile.

"You're rambling," she told him sweetly, glancing around again before reaching up to press a quick kiss to his lips. "And as long as you're not expecting me to go all... "girl" on you and start referring to you as my boyfriend to everyone I meet..."

"That's fine with me," he replied with a laugh, catching her in a gentle hug before starting in the direction of the hospital again, realising after a few seconds that the space to his right was entirely too empty. Turning round, he caught her standing in almost the same position, shaken out of her own mind only by his chuckle.

Her cheeks were flushed as she caught up with him and linked her fingers through his again, and her eyes flashed with a warning that told him perfectly clearly that if he dared say a word, his punishment would be something he definitely did _not_ want to deal with.

Catching sight of her friends as they walked through the doors, Meredith turned to him with a grin, pressing a final and uncharacteristic kiss to his lips before jogging up the stairs to meet them, calling out wishes of a good day over her shoulder.

And he didn't realise at the time how grateful he would be that their day had at least started on such a positive note.

--

Derek stepped out of the OR, stretching his arms high above his head in what he felt to be an incredibly well-deserve stretch as he moved over to the sink to scrub out. He inclined his head slightly as Rose stepped over to scrub out, planning all the while how best to find Meredith and convince her to deal with the painful kink in his neck. Having settled on an intricate description of the drama experienced during the surgery with just a _hint_ of bragging, he was dragged out of thoughts of just _how_ good a massage from his girlfriend would feel by a soft voice from his right.

"You saved her life," Rose commented quietly, a hint of what he recognised as amazement in her voice.

"I fixed her brain, restored her motor skill... highly stressful and extremely difficult procedure but not uncommon," he told her simply. "You, you saved her life," he added, with a smile of gratitude. "And I wanted to apologise, if I was rude. Like I said, it's a stressful procedure," he finished, turning the water off before turning to face the nurse to his side. "Thank you."

"It was nothing," she told him with a slow smile, and he realised a second too late that the look in her eyes wasn't just recognition of his surgical skills as she leant forwards a little, as if expecting him to kiss her.

"Rose, I... need to stop you there," he told her gently, taking a step back. "I have a girlfriend," he added her, testing the word out on his lips for the first time since he'd spoken to Meredith with a slow smile.

"Meredith Grey?" she enquired, a hint of disappointment in her eyes. "Rumour has it you two broke up a while ago..."

"Well I'm afraid the Seattle Grace gossip mill was a little presumptuous on that one. We had... have, a few issues, but we're working through them. It just took us a while to get there. So I'm sorry Rose, I really am. I didn't mean to suggest anything that wasn't just friendship..."

"I understand, Dr Shepherd," she told him, grabbing a couple of towels to wipe the water from her hands. "She's a lucky girl," she added over her shoulder, flashing him a quick smile before leaving. "She must be pretty special."

"She really is," Derek mused to himself, tossing his scrub cap into the trash on his way out, running a hand experimentally through his hair in what he'd admit to be a purely vain attempt to fix it as he headed down to the nurse's station... finding his attention slowly drawn to the conversation taking place between the two interns strolling in front of him.

"I heard she crawled _underneath_ the ambulance to save the guy's life," one of them gossiped smugly, revelling in the shocked grin on the other's face. "_And_ I heard she told Dr Hahn to 'shut up'" she added. Derek raised an eyebrow to himself, wondering just who had the guts to stand up to Erica Hahn.

"No_ way_," the other intern mused in admiration. "Well I heard that last year, she had her hand on a bomb... _and_ she practically drowned in Elliott Bay," he added, nodding emphatically to make his point, unaware that he had captured Derek's attention fully.

"Wow," the girl breathed, shaking her head slightly in admiration as they peeled off around the corner, their conversation drifting away from Derek's ears. He glanced around to find someone he recognised to verify the story, but frustratingly found the corridors to be otherwise deserted. Snatching the chart he needed from its holder, he made a couple of cursory notes before the details left his mind, and was reaching over the desk for the phone when he heard the unmistakable thud of charts being dropped on the desk next to him.

"Bailey's got me charting," her unmistakable voice informed him quietly, and he let out a sigh of relief as he placed the phone back into its cradle.

"I was just about to page you," he told her quietly, turning a concerned gaze on her.

"I take it you've heard," she offered quietly, managing a hint of a smile as she rested one hip against the desk.

"Heard a couple of interns gossiping," he told her softly, nodding his head back towards the corridor he'd approached through. She laughed quietly, reaching up to tug her hair out of its ponytail, and he caught her elbow gently in his hand as he caught a flash of bandage standing out starkly against her skin. "What happened?" he breathed, fingers tracing the white material gently.

"Glass," she told him quietly, drawing her arm away gently. "It's fine, it doesn't hurt," she added, contradicting her sentence seconds later, wincing sharply as she rested said arm against the desk. "Well, maybe a little..."

"You crawled under the ambulance?" he queried, his face a picture of worry. She nodded slowly, relating the day's events to him with a slight shake in her voice. His fingers lingered against her hip, rubbing slow, reassuring circles there as he let her talk.

"Pretty amazing procedure to have performed by yourself," he pointed out, a hint of a proud smile crossing his lips.

"Whilst the guy was hanging upside down in an ambulance?" she asked, managing a smile herself. "I'd say I'm _more_ than amazing," she concluded, reaching out absently to straighten his scrubs at his neck, fingers lingering for just a moment too long. "How was your surgery?"

"Long. Little traumatic... computer issues," he told her, reaching out to brush her fringe out of her eyes. "My OR nurse tried to kiss me," he added, closing his eyes for a second as she flinched. "I'm telling you in the spirit of this new talking thing we're trying," he told her quickly. "She tried to kiss me, and I told her I had a girlfriend. That's the whole story."

"I suppose I should be happy that I'm going out with someone the whole hospital seems to find so attractive," she managed eventually, shaking her head a little to rid her eyes of the sudden moisture that appeared. "Thank you for telling me," she added, her voice cracking a little. He caught the change in her voice instantly, and when he moved slightly, she was in his arms before he knew it, her petite form shaking slightly as he slid his arms round her, palms splayed reassuringly on her back. "I'm sorry, I... I don't know what's wrong with me," she managed to mumble eventually, taking a couple of shuddering breaths to try and compose herself.

"It's okay," he whispered softly, pressing a quick kiss to her hair. "You're in shock. It was a stressfully day," he added softly, letting his cheek rest against her hair as she grasped his scrubs in her fists. "Take your time."

"He had no one," she whispered shakily, squeezing her eyes shut. "I was there, sticking a damn great needle into his chest, and he had _no_ one. And the other guy..." she paused, and he felt her suck in a deep breath. "I had to get his wife, and tell her that her husband was dying, and she needed to be there. And now she has no one, and I don't want to have no one," she whispered, rambling quietly. "Derek I _need_ you, and it scares me so much."

"The things that terrify you are the things that are worth fighting for," he pointed out, pulling away a little and brushing away the tears that hadn't quite fallen.

"Are you scared?"

"Every day," he told her quietly, with another gentle swipe of his thumb against her cheek. And she nodded, took a deep breath, and closed her eyes for a couple of seconds to regain her composure.

"How much longer do you have to stay?" she asked eventually, wiping her eyes quickly.

"I'm gunna be another couple of hours," he told her regretfully, shaking his head before she could speak again. "Go home, take a bath or something. I'll come over when I'm done, okay?"

"Okay," she said softly, managing a smile that didn't quite meet her eyes.

"I'll see you later," he promised, pressing a quick kiss to her forehead before walking away, vowing that it would be as short a time apart as he could make it. "Dr Yang," he acknowledged as the young resident walked past.

"Dr Shepherd," she replied with a nod, her usual brisk, curt manner gaining a slight smile as he turned slightly, nodding to himself as he watched her approach Meredith, still standing exactly where he'd left her, before continuing down the hall.

Little did he know Cristina had observed the couple of minutes of their conversation from a discreet position down the corridor, having the sense not to interrupt. Instead, she settled for watching quietly as they struggled to keep their touching to a minimum, and her jaw had almost dropped when she saw her friend close to tears... and willingly stepping into his embrace, staying there for _far_ longer than was really necessary.

But it was when she stepped away only a minute or so later, and practically all he had to do was wipe her eyes to gain a smile that she knew for certain something had changed. That maybe the two of them had started to work through all the abandonment issues and the drama that was their relationship.

She hated him for what he'd put Meredith through, and wasn't convinced that he lived up to his nickname in _any_ way... but at least it would save her hours reading through those tedious psych books.

And if Meredith was happy, then surely she deserved that. One of them did, anyway.

Not that it would stop her giving her a hard time about it, she mused, greeting Derek with barely a passing glance as he walked past. She was Cristina Yang, after all. Meredith wouldn't expect anything less.

"PDA's in the hall with McDreamy?" she muttered, dropping her own load of charts on the nurse's desk next to Meredith's. "I heard about the ambulance thing," she added, after catching the look on her friend's face, "you okay?"

"I think so," Meredith replied, and Cristina had the sense to drop it – the last thing she'd want would be for anyone to catch her almost breaking down twice in as many minutes.

"Well you're quite the little legend around here because of it," she continued, smirking slightly. "And seriously, you told Hahn to shut up?"

"Yup."

"You know I love you, right?" she asked, her bitterness getting the better of her for just a second.

"Well, I didn't... but thanks for telling me," Meredith managed with a smile, nudging Cristina slightly.

"Don't expect to hear it often," Cristina covered smoothly, one eyebrow raised. She supposed Meredith was entitled to a confession like that, once in a while. "And don't you go ruining my chances with Hahn by being inappropriate when I'm around. So," she added after a second's pause. "McDreamy."

"What about him?"

"PDA's in the hall," she repeated with a gesture, waiting patiently. "What? You didn't think I was letting you off the question did you?"

"His OR nurse tried to kiss him today, and he told her he had a girlfriend. We... I think we're doing this," Meredith told her quietly. "Really doing this."

"And you're okay with that?" Cristina asked sceptically, reluctantly impressed that he seemed to have dealt with the nurse with barely any drama.

After all, all she had to go on so far was Addison... and Lexie at Joe's. Hardly a good track record, when you thought about it.

"I think I am. I think that maybe we're both in a place where we're ready to try. And we're talking, about important stuff. We never used to talk about important stuff, Cris."

"Trust me, I know," she muttered, rolling her eyes at Meredith's less than amused look. "Sorry, sorry. Just... make sure he knows I'll kick his ass if he screws this up again. Actually, scratch that. I'll tell him myself," she muttered, leaving Meredith in no doubt as to the sincerity behind her words.

--

Testing the door handle, Derek was unsurprised that it gave way willingly under his hand – he could list on one hand the number of times he'd had to wait for someone to let him in. Taking a step inside however, he _was_ pleasantly surprised at the silence which met him. Not that Meredith's house was always loud, so to speak, but silence was definitely a rarity.

Not that it really surprised him when he took a quick glance at his watch.

Making his way through the house, his intention was to climb the stairs and collapse onto the bed next to a hopefully slumbering Meredith, but when his eye was caught by a flash of colour through the living room door, he had to stop and investigate.

And was met by a strangely charming sight.

Meredith's gaggle of housemates were spread out on assorted pieces of furniture around the room, each one as dead to the world as the last. A half-empty bottle of tequila adorned the coffee table, and the stereo was flashing happily in the corner.

It looked almost like a party.

A party he hated to break up, but his desire to fall into Meredith's bed, preferably _with_ Meredith, was a little stronger as he stepped gingerly over the outstretched limbs, making his way over to the couch and crouching down beside his slumbering girlfriend.

"Meredith... Mer," he whispered coaxingly, catching her earlobe lightly between his fingers and rubbing very gently. "Hey," he whispered with a slow smile as she blinked sleepily, pleased that his tried and tested method still seemed to be a pleasant way for her to wake up. Tucking a stray strand of hair behind the correct ear, he leant forward to place a quick kiss on her lips. "Any reason you're sleeping on your _very_ uncomfortable sofa and not in your nice warm bed?" he enquired softly, and she shook her head, slowly lifting herself into an upright position.

"We..." she mumbled hoarsely, gesturing around the room. He nodded, just smiling slowly as she blinked repeatedly in a desperate effort to wake up.

"Come to bed," he told her softly, straightening up and holding out a hand to her. She flashed him a tired smile, standing up and tucking herself instantly into his side, and if anyone had asked him, he wouldn't hesitate to confirm this sleepy, affectionate side to her was one of his favourites.

Picking his way delicately over the arm of a remarkably sweet when slumbering Cristina Yang sprawled carelessly across the carpet, he guided Meredith to the door, both of them turning when the figure curled in a chair moved, sat up, blinked rapidly... and regarded Derek with a somewhat shocked expression.

Which he was shooting right back at the young intern who had been sleeping peacefully in Meredith's living room.

Lexie rubbed her eyes, blinking a couple more times just to check that the head of neurosurgery really was standing in her sister's living room, looking really rather intimate again with said sister.

"You can stay here tonight, Lexie," Meredith spoke up eventually, gesturing tiredly towards the couch she'd just vacated. "I'm going to bed now. We'll, uh... give you a ride to the hospital in the morning," she added as an afterthought, nudging Derek gently through the doorway as Lexie stared wide-eyed at the spot they'd vacated, not even having to try to eavesdrop as their voices drifted down the stairs.

"So what exactly _was_ all this?" came Derek's teasing voice, accompanied by a sleepy laugh from Meredith.

"There was drinking. And dancing. A whole house full of dancing," she told him, their voices slowly getting quieter, forcing Lexie to strain a little to hear.

"I'm sorry I missed that," Derek replied, and his chuckle was the last thing Lexie heard, before the unmistakable sound of a door closing muffled the rest of their conversation. Rising slowly, she stretched out the kink in her shoulder before stepping over her resident and sprawling gratefully onto the sofa, as the thought crossed her mind that the next morning might be positively awkward.

In her mind, interns, residents and attendings just didn't mix.

Although, considering the history she'd heard about the house she was in, that apparently wasn't the case.

Shrugging her shoulders slightly to herself, she tugged the pillow into a more comfortable place, and decided to make the most of what sleep she could get.

"So Lexie's in your living room," Derek commented as he closed the bedroom door, dropping gratefully onto her bed without even bothering to change his clothes.

"Lexie's in my living room," Meredith agreed slowly, hesitating for a second before curling up next to him, deciding that it wouldn't _really_ hurt to sleep in her clothes. And as his arm anchored reassuringly around her waist, she realised he'd made her decision for her.

"How're you feeling about that?" he asked, his voice a low rumble into her hair as he took a deep breath.

"I don't know," she replied quietly. "Yesterday's still a little raw, but... Cristina brought her," she finished, giving a soft sigh as she tried to find a comfortable position. He moved a little to let her, smothering a yawn as he waited for her to settle.

"Hang on a minute," he said eventually, brain slowly catching up to the conversation. "Cristina brought her? I thought she was sleeping with Alex, who... wasn't in your living room?" he asked, 

casting his brain back over the sight that had met him in her living room, and ending up thoroughly confused.

"Ava's back... Rebecca, I mean," she told him, shifting onto her back a little, only to be met with a blank stare. "Jane Doe... Mark made her a face...?" she prompted, until he nodded in remembrance. "He's sleeping with her, I assume, and he snuck her into the gallery today when he was operating with Mark... who recognised his own handiwork," she told him, to which Derek winced a little. "He's suspended. Alex, I mean. He took off, so I guess he's with her..."

"Ouch," Derek murmured, nuzzling into her neck a little until he was spooned behind her again.

"Mmm," Meredith agreed, "Lexie didn't deserve that. And Cristina said she had nowhere else to go, which is sad. I'm just... not quite sure how to feel yet."

"That's not surprising," he told her quietly, pressing a gentle kiss to the back of her neck. "But... she is your sister..."

"Mmmhmm," Meredith murmured, smothering a yawn with one hand, as the fingers of the other linked through his. "I'm just not used to the whole family thing," she added, closing her eyes.

"Mmm, we'll work it out in the morning," he mumbled, sounding dangerously close to sleep as he buried his face snugly into her neck.

"Morning suits me," she decided, before willingly allowing sleep to overtake her as well.

--

Meredith stretched, sprawled onto her back and flung an arm out, managing to successfully wake not only herself, but Derek too, in a far less pleasant manner. He grunted in response, batting her arm away from his face, to which she mumbled a sleepy apology. He rubbed his eyes roughly, and sat up.

"You're a joy to wake up to," he informed her sleepily, unable to stop a hint of a smirk crossing his face.

"Sorry," she mumbled again, tugging the front of his shirt to pull him down for a long, lazy kiss. He found himself getting used to her varied and ever-dramatic ways of waking up again, and as he braced his arms either side of her head, he couldn't really bring himself to hate her for it. "Coffee," she decided eventually, pushing herself upright and flashing him a tired smile.

Last night's crumpled clothes were deemed acceptable as she headed for the door, and he found himself seconds behind her as thoughts of a good strong cup of coffee pervaded his senses. Meredith allowed herself a grin as she caught sight of the veritable slumber party in her living room, but settled on a straight course to the kitchen, busying herself making coffee.

"Lexie's still in your living room," he commented softly, leaning against the centre island and passing her a couple of mugs.

"I had noticed," she commented, turning to face him as she waited for the coffee to brew. "Should I be a good sister?" she asked eventually, head tilted to the side as she silently asked him to provide her with an answer. "I should, shouldn't I?"

"Do you want to?" he asked simply.

"No," she replied quickly, shaking her head a little as she turned to pour their coffee. "Maybe... I don't know?" she finished, turning round to pass him a steaming mug. Inhaling slowly, he nodded, waiting for her to continue. "I think so, but it's not..."

"It doesn't have to happen all at once. You don't have to be best friends, sharing wardrobes and relationship tips in the click of a finger," he told her quietly, taking a cautious sip before standing his mug on the counter to cool.

"I could... make her breakfast," she offered eventually, looking to him for an opinion. "I mean, I should make her breakfast right? She has nowhere else to go..."

"I'm not sure that forcing your cooking on anyone is a nice gesture," he pointed out, a light teasing quality to his voice as she stood her own mug down, stepping over to him in an attempt to be menacing.

"Fine," she grumbled, looping her arms around his shoulders, "I could talk my _lovely_ boyfriend into making my sister breakfast," she suggested, raising an eyebrow slowly, "in return for my not smacking him for being so rude."

"You drive a hard bargain," he mumbled, catching her lips in a slow kiss. She laughed, fingers tangling lazily in his hair as their tongues tangled lazily together, tinged with a faint taste of coffee.

Which was the sight that met a sleepy-eyed Izzie and Lexie as they made their way into the kitchen in their _own_ search for coffee.

"Oh!" Lexie let out instinctively, freezing in the doorway. Izzie however just strolled in casually, pouring a couple of mugs of coffee and passing one over to Lexie as Meredith and Derek parted, cheeks slightly flushed but with matching smiles.

"This is what I liked about the sex and mockery," Izzie told Lexie easily, "there was no vomit-inducing kitchen kissing in the morning."

"Iz!" Meredith chided instantly, kissing Derek once more quickly before moving away in favour of her coffee. He laughed, picking up his own mug before wrapping an arm around her again.

"What?" Izzie asked, raising an eyebrow, "you want me to pretend you weren't stupid? Yeah, no can do... Mer, what are you doing?" she asked cautiously, as Meredith reached out to grab a frying pan.

"Relax," she muttered with a glare, handing the pan to Derek. "Derek kindly offered to make us breakfast," she told them with a sweet smile, raising an eyebrow quickly in Izzie's direction. "I... don't cook," she told Lexie somewhat awkwardly, nodding slightly at the younger girl's grateful look as the two silently acknowledged the gesture.

"Step away from her McDreamy," Cristina snapped grouchily as she found her way into the kitchen, hair awry and generally looking like she'd slept on the floor, halting Derek in his surreptitious attempt to catch Meredith in a hug. "I have _not_ had enough coffee for that."

"Remind me why we let her stay here so much?" Izzie queried, rolling her eyes. "She's such a pleasure in the mornings."

"Shut it, Tinkerbell," Cristina snapped, accepting the mug of coffee Meredith silently directed her way. "It's not a matter of choice, trust me."

"Lovely house in the _lovely_ morning," came George's sleepy but amused comment from the doorway, dropping into a seat at the table. "It's always a pleasure to wake up to you, Cristina."

"Woah woah," Derek muttered, swiftly stopping Cristina from moving as her fists clenched.

"He _touched_ her," George hissed at Meredith, who was watching the scene slightly wide-eyed. Derek glanced at them, and Meredith quickly gestured for him to move back, nodding slowly when he did as he was told, eyes still fixed on Cristina, somewhat anxiously awaiting her next move.

But as Cristina just silently leant against the counter and sipped her coffee, and after a long pause Izzie offered to help Derek make breakfast, Meredith realised something.

He was just like part of their strange, dysfunctional little family.

_tbc. _


	4. You've Changed

_**Author:**_ Sarah

_**Rating:**_ T

_**Pairing:**_ Meredith & Derek

_**Disclaimer:**_Nothing is mine. Nada. Rien. Lyrics are from "End of the Road" by Boyz II Men.

_**Summary:**_"You've never been here before... it's only your first time." Meredith and Derek – how season 4 could've played out, from 4.07 onward.

_**Authors Note:**_well, exams are done, dusted and finished forever (which is a scary, scary thought, but very, very nice at the same time!) & I've had a couple of days to recover, shop, and chain-watch grey's. This is the life. My most pressing concern at this precise moment in time is actually which colour to buy a pair of shoes in, which I'm sure says a lot. However. I've watched all of season one and the start of season two of grey's over the last couple of days (& I haven't seen the finale because my computer is being quite annoyingly slow, which I'm not happy about!) & I really, _really_ want to see a return to the Meredith of season one, which I hope is what I'm conveying in some way in this chapter. This particular chapter is set after the main events of 4.11, essentially after Bailey's son's illnesses – obviously, the Rose drama has been resolved in this universe, so that doesn't factor in.

This is the last chapter I'm writing based strictly on what's been canon – I've got parts of the next two chapters written, and whilst they pick up on things that have happened in the previous few episodes, they're not as canon as these have been. I know exactly how I want to end this, but I'm open to any suggestions people have of particular scenes they'd like to see! Feedback has been amazing – thank you so much to everyone who's taken the time to let me know what they've thought, I hope you'll let me know about this chapter too!

* * *

_--_

_This time I want you to love me much more..._

_--_

Having been greeted by the sight of the very person he'd been looking for since he'd ducked into his office to get changed twenty minutes previously, Derek stepped quietly through the doors of the paediatric ICU, making his way to the side of Tuck's bed where Meredith stood quietly, her fingers resting lightly over those of her mentor's child as he slumbered, looking blissfully unaware of the trauma so many people had been through on his behalf.

"Miranda," he greeted softly, resting a hand gently on Meredith's back as she glanced up at him in greeting. "How's he doing?"

"He's..." Miranda gestured slightly, for once completely lost for words. "He's alive," she concluded eventually, to which Derek nodded in understanding, having felt the swarm of emotions that no doubt produced the rough edge to her voice. Whilst you couldn't compare the fear of losing a girlfriend to the fear of losing a son, Miranda acknowledged that there was a certain level of understanding in Shepherd's actions that day that wasn't just down to friendly concern.

Which was probably why she'd let him break down a few barriers earlier that day, albeit subconsciously.

And judging from the fact that she couldn't see the precise location of Meredith's left arm and hence could only assume it was resting snugly against the back of Derek's hip; the two of them _had_ finally managed to get through the trauma of their own relationship.

As the young resident in front of her turned her head briefly back towards her... boyfriend, she presumed, to nod slightly to his silent question, Miranda nodded slightly to herself as well.

If anyone was a sign of hope in this hospital after the past year, it was Derek Shepherd and Meredith Grey. Why was why she was in no way complaining about the fact that her protégé was standing just a little bit too close to the neurosurgeon next to her... not that it was exactly a day when she was in any position to demand professional behaviour, anyway.

Besides, being perfectly honest with herself, she was more touched than she'd let any of them know that so many people had kept up an anxious watch throughout the day. Catching sight of them all huddled around the nurse's desk, silently keeping vigil... well, it was the type of situation which really showed you who cared... and she'd learnt that there were a lot of people in this hospital who did just that.

"He's breathing on his own," Meredith told Derek softly, fingering the chart that sat at the end of the bed. "That's one big hurdle he's crossed." Miranda was drawn out of her reverie by the comments of her former intern, and she nodded resolutely.

"He's breathing on his own," she repeated firmly, fixing Meredith with a firm gaze once more, before flicking her eyes to the attending. "He's going to be _fine_. So please, for the love of God take my resident _home_, Shepherd."

"It's what I came to do," he assured her with a soft smile. "Ready to go?" he asked Meredith quietly, gently increasing the pressure of his hand against her back. She nodded slowly, casting one more concerned gaze over the toddler in front of them and up to her resident, before turning with Derek to head towards the door.

"Meredith," Miranda cut in eventually, causing the pair to turn just as their fingers casually linked between them. "Thank you," she told her sincerely, her voice taking on a slightly rough, honest quality. "You... what you've done today, it... means a lot to me. Both of you," she added, nodding slightly at Derek.

"It was nothing," Meredith said quietly, shooting her a quick smile. "But you're welcome."

"We'll see you tomorrow," Derek added, squeezing Meredith's hand gently as he opened the door for her.

"And send the rest of my residents' home too, Shepherd!" Miranda called after them, receiving an amused chuckle from Derek. As she watched them leave, it was the simple _'we'_ that had 

slipped into Derek's parting sentence that gave her a little bit of hope that everything really might be okay.

After all, if it worked for them, surely there was a chance it could work for her.

"It's been a tough day," Derek commented eventually, as the glass doors closed behind them. Meredith nodded quietly, making no effort to extract her fingers from his as they headed down the now empty corridors of the hospital.

"I think her marriage is over," she commented eventually, blinking quickly a couple of times as they came to a halt in front of the elevators, before letting her head rest against his shoulder as he stretched an arm out to press the call button.

"That's a shame," he said quietly, slipping his arm around her shoulders. "After everything they've been through..."

"They couldn't get past the fact that her job is important to her," Meredith said, stepping into the elevator with him. "I just... promise me we'd never end up like that?" she asked quietly, hooking her thumbs in the pockets of her lab coat as he pressed the correct button, before crossing the lift in one long stride to envelope her in his arms.

"You see us lasting that long?" he asked quietly, both hands resting firmly against her back as he drew in a deep breath of lavender and Meredith... and the future.

"I... wow," she said quietly, snaking her own arms slowly around him. "I guess maybe I do." He smiled, tipping her chin up as the elevator slowed to a halt, pressing a quick but firm kiss against her lips, before reaching out for her hand again.

"Then I promise," he told her with a smile, as they started down the corridor to the resident's locker room, only to be greeted by the sight of George and Lexie lingering awkwardly outside.

"Is there anyone else in there?" Meredith questioned them, swinging the door open, poking her head in to do a quick survey before shaking her head when the only occupants she saw were their friends. "Just come in," she ordered them, never letting go of Derek's hand as they walked in.

"Hey, how's Bailey?" Izzie asked immediately, pulling her shirt over her head and turning to Meredith in concern. Alex and Cristina slowed their own movements, the whole room united in a similar thought for just a moment.

"She... sent me home," Meredith told them, and the whole group laughed in understanding. If anyone knew Bailey, it was her group of former interns. Stripping her scrub top off, Meredith changed quickly, as Derek lent casually against the wall next to her.

"Miranda told me to send all of her residents home too," he contributed with a slight smirk and a quick roll of his eyes.

"Sounds like Bailey," Alex commented, swinging his bag over his shoulder. "Hey, anyone fancy heading to Joe's? I don't know about you guys, but I could do with a drink."

"Or we could just head back to ours?" Meredith suggested, grabbing her own bag and jacket. "There's alcohol there, and a whole host of take-out menus..."

"Oh we know just how many take-out menus you own, Mer," Alex joked as the whole group voiced their concurrence.

"Like you're the next master chef, evil spawn," Cristina muttered in defence of her friend, the two continuing to bicker as the group made its way down the main stairs, lapsing in and out of various conversations. Derek and Meredith brought up the rear as he helped her on with her coat, slowing slightly as Derek caught sight of Erica and Callie laughing almost gleefully as they walked away from Mark. He nodded his head towards them, alerting Meredith to the scene playing out. She nodded slowly as they reached the bottom stairs.

"Hold up, guys," she called to her friends, gesturing for them to wait as their linked hands ensured she followed Derek over to where Mark stood.

"They're drinking together," Mark told Derek dryly, gesturing with a flick of his hand to the two women walking through the doors.

"So I see," he replied, one eyebrow raised in sympathy. "This 'thing' you have...?"

"Apparently that's one woman I'm _too_ pretty for," he muttered, his eyes flicking to Meredith for the first time as she made a fairly unsuccessful attempt to conceal her snort of laughter. Waving her free hand in apology, she pressed her face into Derek's shoulder for a second to control herself. "Joe's?" Mark asked eventually, with a gesture to the now vacated doorway. Derek hesitated for a long moment, with a sudden desire not to leave his newly re-found friend to wallow in what he presumed were some cutting words from Erica Hahn.

"We're all heading back to ours," Meredith cut in eventually, glancing up at Derek for approval before continuing. "You should join us... I mean, it's not like you'd be the only attending there..."

"Thanks, Meredith," he said, nodding slowly.

"You can follow us," she told him with a smile, tugging on Derek's hand as the three of them set off towards the group waiting for them.

"You brought McSteamy?" Cristina questioned, raising an eyebrow at the plastic surgeon.

"Yeah, I brought McSteamy," Meredith replied, shooting her friend a look which clearly told her to drop it.

"You drinking?" she asked Mark challengingly.

"I could drink you under the table _any_ day, Yang," he replied cockily, eliciting a laugh from the entire group as they walked outside.

"What's 'McSteamy'?" Lexie attempted to ask George under her breath, managing to time it at the second the laughter died down, only for it to strike back up again, seconds later.

"Well it was all Cristina's fault, really," George began once he regained his control, hooking his arm through Lexie's as Cristina lent forward to smack him sharply round the head. "**Ow**! It's _true_!"

"It was _Meredith_," Cristina shot back, throwing a look over her shoulder at her friend, currently happily, and sickeningly in Cristina's opinion, ensconced in the arms of her own McDreamy.

"Oh you cannot blame this all on me, _you_ started it!"

"You slept with him!"

--

"Meredith!" Cristina called joyfully a couple of hours later, waving her bottle of liquor as George turned on some music. Meredith only groaned in response, reluctant to move from her really very comfortable seat in Derek's lap. He laughed, kissing her shoulder absently.

"I think you're wanted," he told her, nodding to where Cristina was quite happily dancing alone.

"Mmhmm, I had enough dancing last night, and besides Cristina's doing just fine on her own," she told him with a giggle, gesturing for him and Mark to continue their conversation.

"I missed dancing?" Mark queried with a smirk, one eyebrow raised in amusement. "Is there lots of dancing around here? And if so, why have you not invited me round before?"

"I crawled under an ambulance yesterday," Meredith shot back smoothly, "Bailey's son nearly died today. I think I'm allowed to dance. And we haven't invited you round before because you two," she paused to gesture between them, "were not exactly friends. And it's hardly like you fraternise with interns or residents on a regular basis." Mark dropped his eyes for a second, suitably put into place as Derek smirked cheerfully.

"Meredith, don't _make_ me dance with Izzie!" Cristina hollered pleadingly over the music, with an added "I have tequila!" in an attempt to lure her over.

"Don't make me dance with _her_, more like!" Izzie countered quickly, and the two continued to bicker loudly as Meredith rolled her eyes, moving to extricate herself from Derek's arms.

"I'll be right back," she informed him, twisting to place a quick kiss on his lips before standing up, looking surprisingly happy to accept the bottle of tequila from Cristina, before falling easily into her friends somewhat crazy, uncoordinated style of dance.

"Seriously. Do they always dance?" Mark asked eventually, tipping his bottle in the direction of the group of interns and residents.

"Only recently, actually," Derek replied, shrugging his shoulders slightly. "I think it's supposed to be cathartic."

"Man," Mark commented, after a long pause, "you're so whipped!"

"Whatever," Derek snapped back, laughing.

"Shepherd, you kind of are," Alex commented, dropping down on the sofa only to provide Mark with more ammunition.

"See! Even the residents think so," he stated happily, gesturing again with his bottle in thanks to Alex. "So, Karev," he began, smirking slightly. "How'd you wind up living with Grey _and_ Stevens?"

"Mark," Derek muttered warningly, pulling a highly unimpressed face at him.

"Fine then, how are things going with _you_ and Dr Grey," he enquired with a smirk, settling himself back into his chair. "One or the other, your choice."

"I'm going to get more beer," Alex muttered, quickly extricating himself from a conversation he could see becoming painful.

"How do you manage to scare them off even _without_ the white coat and the hospital?" Derek asked in amusement, shaking his head a little. Mark, as usual, ignored the question.

"You're friends with her friends now? Friends with the _residents_ enough to let them insult you?" he questioned, genuine interest crossing his face for a second.

"You were a resident once upon a time," Derek pointed out dryly. "Hell, you were even an intern. They're like her family," he added, raising an eyebrow slightly, "I'm sure you of all people can understand that."

"Point taken," Mark muttered eventually, meeting Derek's eyes for a second, as they both thought about their own family for a moment.

"They're a good bunch," he continued eventually, with a slight shrug of his shoulders. "Weird... but good," he added, raising an eyebrow at Cristina's somewhat provocative dancing with his girlfriend. Mark nodded slowly, a hint of a smile crossing his lips as he waited patiently for his friend to continue. It came eventually. "She's changed," he told him quietly, one eye affectionately lingering on the dirty blonde with her bottle of tequila. "I don't know why, or how, but... she has. You know what's happened in the last week..."

"And she's come to you every time?"

"In a roundabout way," he acknowledged. "I've gone to her, sometimes, but... we've talked about things we've never talked about. She never used to let me in, and now we have this routine. We leave the hospital together, we sleep in the same bed, we talk..."

"And _we_ sit in her living room drinking beer?" Mark asked, laughing. "Thank her for me," he added quietly. "She didn't have to ask me here, her friends don't particularly like me..." he trailed off as a breathless Meredith threw herself somewhat dramatically onto Derek's lap, breathless and mysteriously sans tequila bottle... until they glanced at Cristina and solved the mystery. Derek shot a brief, telling look in Mark's direction, an understanding in his eyes that answered his question without words, before his attention was drawn back to the girl sprawled causally across his body.

"Protect me?" she asked somewhat dramatically, tucking herself into the corner of the sofa so she was partially hidden by Derek's considerably larger body. "Enough dancing," she told them seriously, smothering a yawn.

"So your house really isn't always this exciting, Grey?" Mark queried eventually, draining the last of his beer. She shook her head, accompanying it with an amused chuckle. "Shame. It was always almost illustrious in my imagination."

"What, the house of sex?" she questioned dryly, one eyebrow raised in amusement.

"Well, you did call it a brothel once," Derek pointed out helpfully, only to be met by a positively icy glare. "Stopping talking," he muttered instantly, turning his attention back to his bottle quickly, tangling his fingers through hers in a silent apology, satisfied instantly by the hint of a smile she flashed him.

"Izzie bakes a lot," she continued, glancing over at Mark. "Alex... well, I don't know what he does most of the time. And I..."

"Have sex with Derek a lot," Mark answered sweetly.

"I don't like you," she muttered dryly, leaving Mark with all the confirmation he needed as he laughed heartily. "In fact, I might hate you a little," she snapped, shooting a glare at him before directing it briefly at Derek as he leant over to stand his bottle down, causing her to move from her comfortable position. He laughed, catching her legs and swinging them over his lap as he settled back into the sofa, causing all the venom to slip from her eyes as his fingers casually massaged her calves.

"You two are a little sickening," Mark commented eventually, with a deep sigh.

"Just 'cause you aren't getting any," Meredith snapped, causing Derek to sit up a little, meeting Mark's gaze with a matching look of admiration. "What? You think I'm incapable of a decent comeback?"

"You do... ramble, a lot," Mark offered, having the good sense to move well out of her reach, quickly.

"_Don't_ agree with him," she snapped at Derek quickly, and he just widened his eyes quickly at her, keeping silent. Her attention was drawn away, luckily for Mark, by George and Lexie announcing their departure. She waved at them, perfectly content not to have to move an inch. Suddenly, she was aware of Derek and Mark studying her curiously.

"Lexie and George? They live together now," she filled them in, smothering a yawn and settling her head against Derek's shoulder.

"You get on with the Grey clone now?" Mark asked, amused.

"I didn't know they'd moved in together," Derek commented, smiling as she twisted a little to kiss his neck lightly, a clear signal that she'd fill him in later. Their attention was diverted again by Alex announcing that he was going out, and Cristina immediately calling dibs on his bed for the night. Meredith laughed softly, suddenly taken by the idea of sleep. "Bed?" Derek asked perceptively, smiling as she nodded a little and moved to extricate herself from his arms and the sofa.

"Mark, you're welcome to the couch if you want," she offered, running a hand sleepily through her hair.

"Thanks, Grey," he replied sincerely, smiling as she stood up and yawned a yawn that was far too big for her body. "The Archfield calls, though."

"You're still living at the Archfield?"

"See," Derek commented quickly, shooting a grateful grin in Meredith's direction, "even she thinks it's weird."

"Get your own place, Mark," Meredith ordered, falling into conversation with Izzie and Cristina as she followed them up the stairs.

"Don't screw this one up, Shep," Mark commented quietly as they left, turning his attention back to Derek. His friend laughed quietly, eyes still on the doorway Meredith and the girls had just walked through as he shook his head a little.

"I have no plans to do anything of the sort."

--

"What you did today, with Mark?" Derek called through to the bathroom some minutes later, pulling the covers back on her bed as he sat down and leant easily against the headboard. A smile crossed his lips as she appeared in the doorway clad in just her jeans and a bra, attached to her toothbrush and glancing at him inquisitively. "You didn't have to ask him here. He asked me to thank you."

She mumbled something unintelligible through a mouthful of toothpaste, darting back through to rinse her mouth before leaning in the doorway once more, pulling her well-loved Dartmouth t-shirt over her head as she spoke again.

"I like him," she offered quietly, flashing him a slight smile. "I couldn't tell you why, but I do. No one deserved to be alone after today, and... he's your friend," she finished simply.

"Thank you," he told her sincerely, a smile crossing his own lips as she pushed away from the doorframe, kicking her jeans into a corner before walking round to curl her tiny frame up next to his on the bed.

"He really asked you to thank me?" she asked, turning bright but tired eyes up to his. He nodded, leaning down to press a quick kiss against his lips... a quick kiss which somehow turned in to a long, lingering kiss as their tongues tangled lazily out of nothing but sheer instinct. As she pulled away a long moment later later, her cheeks were slightly flushed as she rested her head lightly against his shoulder. His arm closed around her shoulder, fingers squeezing gently before lightly tracing the sleeve of her shirt. "What a day," she offered eventually, lost for more words.

"And some," he agreed quietly.

"It was... weird, seeing Bailey like that," she offered quietly, with a slight shrug of her shoulder. "Having to be the one who looked out for _her_, after everything... everything she's done for me." His thumb traced an absent, reassuring pattern against her shoulder in understanding, as she took a second to get her thoughts together again. "I was..."

"She's your resident. Hell, she's probably the best resident in the damn hospital, keeps _all_ of us in line regardless of our rank," he noted, smiling as a hint of a laugh shook her body. "It's disconcerting to see the roles reversed."

"It actually... it felt good, to be able to give her something back, even though it was the worst possible situation that could occur to make me feel like that," Meredith commented eventually, with a slight shrug of her shoulders. "To feel like we helped, even a little."

"Hospital creates a strange bond between people."

"I'd back that one," she agreed softly, lapsing into a comfortable silence as his fingers continued to travel the length of her upper arm.

"Mer, I... in the elevator, earlier," he began haltingly, trying to piece his words together. She tangled her fingers loosely through his, just nodding slowly. "I know we've talked about it, but... you've changed."

"So have you," she pointed out calmly, raising her eyes to his momentarily. He nodded in acceptance. "I don't know why," she said eventually, in answer to his unanswered question. "I wish I could tell you what changed, but I can't."

"Maybe we just both needed to get a little perspective again?" he suggested eventually.

"Cristina's non-wedding scared me," she replied slowly, taking a deep and hesitant breath before continuing. "I told her she had to walk down the aisle for both of us, and still it all went horribly wrong. And I guess I was in a place where I was willing to believe in signs and omens. It hadn't been a good year, by any standards... but somehow, you've been a constant in all of that," she acknowledged slowly. "And I guess I realised that it was a new year. It was our last chance for a new start, and it took me a while to get there, in fact I'm not even sure I _am_ there yet, but..."

"You showed up," he finished quietly.

"I showed up," she confirmed with a smile, nodding her head slowly as he drew her into his embrace. "And you waited. You're waiting..."

"There's no one I'd rather wait for," he told her with a grin, accepting the gentle smack of her hand against his chest. "Sorry," he muttered slowly, completely insincere as he reached for the covers, loosening his hold on her as she stretched into an increasingly familiar sleeping position, her back flush against his chest after she flipped the lights out.

"McDreamy," she muttered dryly, but he could tell without seeing that the smile was still firmly in place on her lips.

"You love it," he countered smoothly, pressing his lips slowly to her neck, a smile crossing his own lips as he felt a slight shiver run through her body, accompanied by a low, sleepy giggle. "We'll talk about the rest, eventually," he told her quietly, kissing the back of her neck again lightly, "when the time is right."

"I'm trying," she offered quietly, with a gentle sigh. "It's harder than I thought though. I guess... I'm really not used to letting people in."

"You've let me in more than I expected the last couple of weeks," he told her quietly. "The rest... we need to talk about it, but we don't need to talk about it right now. Right now, we're good."

"I think we are," she offered quietly, her smile clear in her voice. He nodded slowly, letting his kisses trail lightly down her neck.

"One thing though," he added eventually. "Promise me that particular nickname will _never_ make it into my family's knowledge? If you ever, you know... we talked about maybe one day..."

"I'm making no such promise," she informed him sleepily, one hand closing over his hand on her stomach in a roundabout answer to his rambling question. "And are you _sure_ that's the nickname you want me to stop them from hearing about...?"

_tbc. _


	5. Late Nights and Early Mornings

_**Author:**_ Sarah

_**Rating:**_ T

_**Pairing:**_ Meredith & Derek

_**Disclaimer:**_Nothing is mine. Nada. Rien. Lyrics are from "End of the Road" by Boyz II Men.

_**Summary:**_"You've never been here before... it's only your first time." Meredith and Derek – how season 4 could've played out, from 4.07 onward.

_**Authors Note:**_it's been a little while since I've updated this, and I'm still not 100 sure on this chapter – it sets up a few storylines that are going to recur in the rest of the story, so bear with me if it's not the most exciting update & seems to lack much Meredith and Derek action – we'll get back to them, I promise, I've got a fair bit in store for them! Also, I said the previous chapter was going to be the last based on events from season 4 ... so, I lied. This chapter picks up on the Resident's competition, and I've decided I will bring a few other events into play, in my own way. It'd be really, really lovely to hear what people are thinking of the story at this point!

* * *

_--_

_This time instead, just come to my bed,_

_And baby just don't let me go._

_--_

"So am I right in thinking that the residents' competition ends tonight?" Richard queried, glancing at the three attendings seated around the makeshift poker table set up between the two trailers on Derek's land. Mark gave a swift nod, a smirk crossing his lips as he shot an amused look at Derek, who returned a deadly, less-than-impressed glare.

"Am I missing something?" Erica queried eventually, glancing over at Richard.

"Let's just say Derek has an, uhh... vested interest in this particular contest being over," he told her with a chuckle. "Wouldn't you say, Derek?"

"I've barely seen my girlfriend in two weeks," he grumbled, snatching his beer off the table and resolutely ignoring Mark, "I'm more than happy about it ending. Stupid contest," he added grumpily.

"Shep's horny," Mark announced gleefully, receiving a sharp smack around the back of the head from his friend for his comedic efforts.

"Meredith Grey?" Erica asked Richard quietly, managing a slight eye roll at the surprisingly girly fight taking place before their eyes. Richard nodded, settling back in his seat. "I'd heard rumours, but... you're okay with that?"

"Meredith's mother, Ellis Grey and I were...close," Richard told her, waiting a second while she digested Meredith's infamous family tree with a sharp nod. "I promised her mother I'd look out for her, and trust me this relationship is definitely in both of their best interests. They know not to let it affect their work, anyway," he added quietly, shaking his head as Derek and Mark's bickering reached ever louder levels. "Anyone would think the two of you were still six years old, fighting in your mom's backyard," he informed them dryly, waiting until both looked suitably sheepish.

"Have you... known one another since you were six?" Erica asked eventually, turning her attention back to the attractive attendings opposite her.

"Unfortunately," Derek told her with a smirk, gesturing towards Mark with the neck of his beer bottle. "He's as good as a part of the Shepherd family, evened the balance a little against my sisters. And really, once he latches on you just can't get rid of him."

"Mate," Mark groaned, shooting him an unimpressed glare. Derek just shrugged, revelling for a moment in his return to a dominant position.

Dominant that was, until they were interrupted by headlights and a car engine, giving Mark plenty of ammunition, much of it taking the form of booty call one-liners once he recognised the car, and its owner.

Meredith stepped out of her car a little slower than usual, but it was only Derek who noticed the effects the two week competition had had on the young resident in front of them. As she made her way across the grass, if she was at all surprised at the people she found seated casually around a table, she did a marvellous job of hiding it. She caught his eye for a second as she reached the group, her eyes flicking to Erica for a second in hesitation before settling herself on Derek's lap as if it were a perfectly normal action in front of three people she called her bosses. He found himself releasing a grateful breath at the realisation that she'd obviously been home to shower and change since the end of the competition, and let his fingers curl around her hip instinctively. Offering him a quiet greeting with a tired smile, she turned to glance at the other occupants of the table.

"I hope that trailer of Shep's is soundproof," Mark greeted her with grin, ducking as she reached out to smack him.

"Cut it out, Mark," she muttered good-naturedly, nodding her greeting to the others. "Chief, Dr Hahn," she offered politely, calmly removing Derek's beer from his hand and taking a long gulp. "Don't let me interrupt," she offered with a smile, gesturing to the cards each doctor held.

"Put us out of our misery first, Meredith," Richard instructed her with a smile. "We all know the competition ended today..."

"Oh, that," she answered flippantly, handing Derek his bottle back. "I have something to show you," she told him with a slow smile, reaching into her jacket pocket. "All of you, actually," she added, palming the sparkly pager out for them all to see, with a grin to match it.

"Nice work, Grey," Mark commented with a low whistle. "Picked the smart one there, Derek!"

"Oh I'm aware of that," he answered with a grin, kissing Meredith quickly on the lips. "Today's patient?" he asked, laughing as she nodded.

"Medical mystery," she announced with a grin, "eighty points. I don't think Cristina will ever forgive me."

"You know, a lot of people would say you had an unfair advantage," Mark told her jokingly. "Sleeping with one attending, you're certainly the only resident _I_ can stand, practically the daughter of the Chief..." he trailed off as Meredith turned an indignant glare on him.

"I'll have you know," she started off, in a tone definitely inappropriate for her boss, "that I slept in the hospital for two weeks to get this. _Two weeks,_ Sloan," she added menacingly, kept in her place only by Derek's arms anchored firmly around her waist. Mark held up a hand in surrender, raising his beer bottle to her in a toast. She smirked eventually, tossing the gaudy pager casually from hand to hand for a second.

"Congratulations, Meredith," Richard told her once Mark had quietened down, fixing a warm smile on the young resident. She nodded gratefully, before leaning back against Derek's chest and gesturing for them to continue their game as she claimed his beer once again.

The game continued for a good few minutes, but Mark's attention was eventually drawn away from his cards, along, he suspected, with the attention of Erica and Richard, by Meredith leaning over to point at a couple of Derek's cards, earning herself a nod and a hint of a smile before she proceeded to whisper something that was for his ears only... and as Mark caught a definite use of the word 'celebration', he suspected the rest of them didn't really want to hear it anyway. Seemingly satisfied by Derek's suddenly tense posture, Meredith settled back into her original position, and if it seemed like Derek folded remarkably quickly, it passed without comment.

Meredith stood, stretching her arms above her head for a moment, in a move caused solely by the act of sleeping in a hospital for two weeks.

Derek rose after her, his fingers tangling easily in hers as he turned his attention back to the three people in front of them.

"We're gunna, uhh... call it a night," he told them, stumbling slightly as he struggled to search for an appropriate phrase. Meredith laughed a little, waving goodnight before casually flipping Mark off as his jokes started up again. Derek caught her arm sharply, anchoring it to her side as he helped her up onto the decking outside his trailer.

Their laughter rang out once more as the door thumped shut behind them, and Richard merely rolled his eyes good-naturedly as Mark eventually reached the end of his torrent of jokes.

"It's a damn surprise that man puts up with you," Richard commented, and the three remaining doctors laughed amongst themselves before he pushed his chair back, standing slowly. "I think I'll call it a night as well," he told Mark and Erica, bidding them goodnight before walking towards his own trailer. Erica pushed her own chair back, fingers reaching for her jacket.

"Finish your beer," Mark told her slowly, stretching back in his chair and crossing his legs at the ankle.

"_You_ don't live here either," she pointed out, one eyebrow raised slowly.

"Finish your beer," he repeated, gesturing with his own bottle. "You're dying to ask, anyway," he added, tilting the bottle towards Derek's trailer. She pulled a face and sank back into her chair, well and truly caught.

"They're..."

"That's not a question," he pointed out slyly, "but I'll answer it anyway. They've had this thing, on and off, since they started at Grace. Off when Derek's ex-wife turned up... Addison Montgomery?"

"Neo-natal surgeon," Erica confirmed, nodding in recognition. "Ouch," she offered eventually. "Won't Derek be pissed you're telling me all this?"

"Only if you tell them you know."

"Point taken," she offered with a reluctant smirk, gesturing for him to continue.

"He left Addie eventually, made a go of things with Meredith eventually with a big rough patch in the middle... as I'm sure hospital gossip's already told you?"

"Just like hospital gossip suggests that you were the one who broke up Derek's marriage in the first place?" she countered smoothly, raising an eyebrow. "Which I notice you conveniently left out of your sweet little tale..."

"Alright," he muttered roughly, "not one of my prouder moments."

"Derek and Grey?" she prompted eventually, taking pity on him after a long pause.

"They love one another," he told her eventually, "I guess that's been enough to get them through everything that's happened. Meredith... she's exactly what he needs; she's not perfect, but she couldn't be more different to Addie. Derek was never _happy_ in that marriage, he just thought he was. But with Meredith, he's a different man." He paused for a long moment, deliberating his words. "When he found me in bed with his wife, he just walked out of the room without a word. Yet when he saw me just _talking_ to Meredith, he punched me to the ground before I even knew he was there. That... told me everything I need to know."

"You actually really care about them, don't you?" Erica questioned eventually, something close to respect reflected in her eyes.

"I want it to work out for them, that's all. I... have a lot of respect for Meredith. I guess I can relate to a lot of what she's been through... I can see a lot of myself in her. Difference is she's used the cards life dealt her far better than I have, and she's done it on her own where I had Derek's entire family to support me."

"You're one of the best plastic surgeons in the country; I don't think anyone would say you haven't made something of yourself."

"No," he acknowledged, with a slight tilt of his head, "but Meredith's well on her way to being the best at whatever speciality she eventually chooses _and _well on the way to having the personal life she wants too. I can't quite boast the latter myself," he added, his brow furrowing in what appeared to be a hint of frustration.

"You think she's the best?" she questioned, tactfully drawing the conversation away from an area she guessed he didn't really want to get in to.

"In her year easily, this competition of theirs shows that. I wound her up, but she didn't use her... connections to her advantage once, much as she could've done, she's just damn good at what she does. Yang might have all the technical skill in the world, much as you don't want to admit it, but Meredith's got the skill _and_ the personality to go with it. Her patients like her, they respect her. It'll take her a long way."

"I thought you didn't do teaching," Erica commented, raising an eyebrow sceptically. "That sounds a little contradictory compared to that."

"I make an exception, when the right surgeon comes along. Talent shouldn't be wasted," he explained slowly, with a slight shrug of his shoulders as he drained the last of his beer.

"You know, I admit when I'm wrong about things," Erica commented eventually, voicing her words slowly and carefully. "It takes a while, but I'll admit it. Talking to you tonight, I think I was probably wrong about you, and if you showed a little of this side more often, a lot of other people would probably think the same." Mark nodded slowly, accepting the statement for what it is with surprising grace as he pushed his chair back to stand.

"It's not that easy, sometimes."

--

"So, you won," Derek commented with a slow smile, drawing her into his arms the second the door of the trailer closed behind them. She tipped her head back as she laughed, and he didn't hesitate to make the most of the new and delicate exposure of skin, trailing his lips slowly up to her ear.

"And you're playing poker with the attendings," she murmured slowly, fingers curling into the hair at the nape of his neck appreciatively.

"Well _you_'re flipping attendings off left right and centre," he pointed out with a smirk, to which she merely raised an eyebrow. "Besides, I had to have something to do while _you_ were sleeping in the hospital every night," he teased gently, nipping her earlobe gently before catching her lips with hers in a slow, lazy kiss.

"I have a new appreciation for supply closets, on call rooms... and your office. I'm not sure why we never figured that one out before... However," she murmured, her lips brushing his as she spoke. "I think _I _deserve congratulations sex for being the best resident in Seattle Grace," she bragged slowly, the words dying on her lips as he caught them in a searing kiss that left her breathless. Her fingers fell from his hair, arms winding around his neck as she willingly gave in to the burning pressure of his lips against hers that sent a tingle shooting down her spine, every time. "And that's... a damn good start," she murmured once she had control of her senses again, taking a tiny step back to catch her breath, "but maybe you deserve a thank you for putting up with your absent girlfriend too," she added slyly, catching both his hands in hers as she backed slowly towards the bedroom.

And if the grin on his face was anything to go by, it was definitely the right thing to say.

She was falling back against the mattress before she really knew what was happening, but his arms were tight around her waist, ensuring she didn't fall too hard, or fast. Her fingers slipped up to grasp his biceps lightly, ensuring that he fell forwards with her in one fluid motion before sliding up to caress his shoulders, as he braced his weight on his forearms on either side of her head.

He dipped his head slowly, nipping her lower lip lightly before pressing a soothing kiss there, and she caught his lips repeatedly before he could pull away.

"You won," he whispered eventually, tenderly reaching out to brush a strand of hair from her cheek. A hint of a blush crossed her cheeks at the sweet intensity of his stare, and she let her eyes dart to the side for a second, before drawing them slowly back to his as a smile crossed her lips. "Congratulations," he whispered, dipping his head for another slow kiss. She murmured her thanks as his fingers reached for the hem of her jumper, drawing it slowly over her head before letting his fingers graze her skin as they returned to their former position, settled comfortably against the curves of her hips. "I missed you," he added quietly, letting his lips trail a path down her throat, slowly settling to a halt against the curve of her breast.

She caught her lower lip lightly between her teeth, and as his tongue snaked lightly along the lace covering her breast, her eyelids fluttered shut.

"Me too," she whispered, her breath leaving her throat in a soft gasp as he lightly nosed the lace to the side, taking his sweet time to capture the already swollen peak between his lips. Lifting her up slightly, he made easy work of unclasping her bra, never once releasing her breast from the slowly increasing pressure of his lips. Pushing the material away, unwanted, his fingers found their way to her other breast, twisting and pulling, lightly flicking her nipple between his fingers until he could feel her writhing in pleasure.

Her eyelids fluttered open, revealing eyes that were dark with passion as he leant up to press his lips to hers once more. She made swift work of ridding him of the shirt he wore, before arching her back delicately into his touch, a light whimper leaving her lips as the firm pressure of his palm spread against her back pressed their bodies firmly together, skin against skin.

He caught her hands in his as they ventured down his stomach, lingering fatally against the sleek trail of hair that tapered down below the waistband of his pants and, as she told him repeatedly, was unexplainably attractive to her, and slipped his fingers through hers, guiding them to her sides as he told her in no uncertain terms that they had all night for what he was planning on doing to her.

And despite the fact that she was riding on two weeks of minimal sleep, the ever-familiar shiver that shot through her body was undeniable.

It was definitely a night she wasn't about to forget in a hurry.

--

Meredith's peace was shattered far too early the next morning by the harsh ringing of her phone. Slamming a hand over her ears, she groaned, reluctant to make the effort to extricate herself from the warm, heavy arms of her boyfriend.

"Make it stop," he groaned grumpily, making the decision for her as he rolled onto his other side, pulling the pillow over his head, seemingly falling asleep again almost instantly with a contented sigh as she flipped the phone open, silencing its ring.

"Hello?" she hissed, pushing herself off the bed and groping around for some clothing.

"Mer?"

"Cristina," Meredith groaned in a whisper, rubbing her eyes before squinting at the clock. "It's _five am_," she hissed angrily, pulling a pair of Derek's sweatpants on, and almost falling over with the effort. "Crap!" she cursed, steadying herself.

"What the hell are you doing?"

"Getting dressed so I can go outside and let Derek sleep. I'm putting the phone down for a sec, hang on," she muttered grumpily, depositing the phone on the side and pulling Derek's discarded dress shirt over her head, digging her feet into her shoes as she grabbed the phone again, exiting the trailer and blinking sharply at the unexpected brightness. "What do you want?" she asked sharply, tugging the drawstrings tight on Derek's pants to secure them round her waist, before dropping herself somewhat dramatically into a chair.

"Well I didn't interrupt sex, considering McDreamy was sleeping," Cristina retorted sarcastically, "so shut up and stop complaining."

"That's because the _very_hot and amazing _congratulations_ sex was last night," Meredith hissed, emphasising the congratulations part almost gleefully even as she rubbed her eyes roughly in a vain attempt to wake up, "and you woke me up. Deal with it and tell me what could possibly be wrong at five in the morning so I can go back to bed."

"...gross," Cristina muttered to herself, and Meredith smirked slightly as she imagined her friend shuddering at the image. Payback was almost worth being woken up for.

"You asked for it," she muttered, hooking one foot underneath the seat of another chair and tugging it over to rest her feet on. "Cris, where are you?" she asked eventually, paying attention for the first time to the sheer amount of background noise on the other end of the phone.

"At the hospital," Cristina replied shortly, with a deep sigh. "Well, outside. I went to get coffee, from Starbucks. Now I'm going back inside."

"You spent two weeks in the damned place, and you're there voluntarily, already?" Meredith questioned incredulously. "Cristina I love you and all, but seriously?"

"I am a _surgeon_. It's what I do, so yes I'm at the hospital," Cristina snapped, and Meredith ran a hand through her hair, realising that she'd have to tread carefully.

"Okay, so do you want to tell me what's wrong?" she asked eventually, settling for a blunt question while hooking the heel of one shoe over the edge of her seat, wrapping her free arm around her raised knee.

"I am a _surgeon_," Cristina repeated, angrily. "I want to cut. I want to be in the OR, and I want to learn. But I don't want to learn ortho, or plastics, or neuro. I want to learn cardio. I _am_ cardio."

"So this is about Hahn?" Meredith asked delicately, her mind flitting back to the attendings' presence on Derek's land the previous night.

"Yes it's about Hahn! I'm here at five in the freaking morning because I'm turning into someone I hate just to try to get her to let me in the freaking OR and do some _cutting_!"

"She's not there at five am though," Meredith pointed out calmly. "She's never _normally_ there at five am, and she's definitely not there at five am today," she added, realising her slip the second the words left her lips.

"What do you mean 'definitely'?" Cristina questioned quickly, and for a second Meredith cursed her friend for having a mind quite so sharp.

"She was here, last night," she told her eventually. "They were playing poker, Derek, Mark, the Chief and Hahn, when I got here."

"Seriously?!" Cristina exclaimed, speechless for just a second.

"Apparently it's sort of a regular thing now," Meredith elaborated, searching for something to fill the silence.

"So she knows you're sleeping with Shepherd?" Cristina questioned slowly. Meredith made an indifferent noise in response, realising instantly where the conversation was going. "Come on, Mer, if Sloan was there you and I both know he wouldn't have kept his mouth shut for longer than five minutes. Besides, the whole _hospital_ knows about you and McDreamy. So, she knows you're sleeping with Shepherd, and yet she still lets _you_ scrub in, when I do all of the scut for none of the glory. You and I, we're in exactly the same position, so why the hell does she treat me so much worse?"

"Well what do you think her problem is?" Meredith questioned eventually, eager to draw the scrutiny away from her own relationship.

"She thinks I chose cardio because of Burke," Cristina answered instantly. "It's like it's a given that because I was sleeping with him, I was given special treatment," she continued, and Meredith knew that she was the only one who would pick up on the almost wounded undertone of her friend's words, as the anger slowly dissipated.

"Cris, you kinda were," she pointed out gently, not wanting to anger her fragile friend any further.

"You're a fine one to talk," Cristina snapped instantly, before the line fell silent for a second. "Sorry, I'm sorry. I just... can I ask you something?"

"Go ahead," Meredith offered, with a futile wave of her hand.

"Did you choose neuro because of Derek?"

"I think I'd be lying if I told you he had nothing to do with it," she offered after a pause, glancing thoughtfully out over his land before continuing. "Yeah, he probably did have a big influence on my decision, but not because he was my boyfriend, or because he was sleeping with me and doing me favours. He's just... the type of surgeon I want to be one day. The way he works and the way he talks about what he does inspired me. So if you're asking whether I would have chosen neuro without him? Probably not, no. But if you're asking whether I chose neuro because he's my boyfriend, then the answer is no. But you don't really care enough about my relationship with Derek to have asked that out of curiosity," she pointed out knowingly.

"She's making me question why I love cardio," Cristina told her eventually, "and now that I think about it, I can't really tell if I chose cardio for cardio, for the aortic aneurysms and bypasses and decanulations... or if I chose cardio for Burke."

"You love cardio," Meredith answered quietly, carefully. "I know that what happened with Burke was awful, and I know what Hahn is doing is killing you, but I've never seen you more passionate about anything but cardio. Cris, you talked about cardio with more excitement than you ever talked about Burke, so if you ask me, you chose cardio for cardio. His leaving shouldn't mean you give that up."

"So why does she hate me?" Cristina asked quietly, a hint of vulnerability infiltrating her words that Meredith had never heard before.

It shook her, just a little. Cristina didn't _do_ vulnerable.

"She's testing you," she answered quietly. "Her and Burke, they were always rivals. I guess maybe she resents the fact that no matter how good she is, you'll always hold Burke in higher regard than her, professionally. So she's testing you, to see how much you want it, and you are _not_ a quitter, Cristina Yang."

"Can you just... can you just ask Derek to talk to her?" Cristina asked quietly, hesitantly. "I know, I have no right to ask, but Mer its _killing_ me. I don't know how to... get over him, if I can't do what I love."

"Cristina," Meredith sighed, contemplating her next words for a long moment, until she felt a warm arm wrap around her shoulders and saw a coffee mug materialise in the corner of her gaze. "Hang on a sec," she told Cristina, covering the mouthpiece with her hand as she leant back a little, only to feel the warmth of his lips against her temple. "Good morning," she offered quietly, flashing him a grateful smile as she willingly accepted the mug of coffee.

"So this is where all my clothes went," he commented with a smile, and as he stepped into her line of sight she allowed herself a gratuitous moment to admire the man in front of her, clad only in yesterday's jeans and a slow smirk crossing his lips as he registered her actions.

"I didn't want to wake you," she shrugged apologetically, gesturing to the phone in her hand. He nodded his agreement slowly, and gestured back to the trailer.

"Breakfast?"

"That'd be good," she agreed with a smile, reaching up a little to accept the kiss he dropped on her lips on his way past.

"What d'you want?" he called from the doorway, seconds later.

"I'm easy," she replied, grinning wryly at his instant laughter. "Shut up. But seriously, whatever you're having... as long as it's not trout," she added with her own laugh, before uncovering the phone. "Cris?"

"You're sickening," Cristina muttered eventually, and Meredith could tell she was making a great effort to control herself when no further insults flew her way. "Meredith I wouldn't ask, but I'm desperate here," she added eventually.

"I'll talk to him," she replied eventually, "see what he thinks, whether he has any suggestions. But I can't ask him to talk to Hahn," she added quietly, after a long consideration. "I'm sorry, Cristina, but it's just not something I can do, not now." The line went silent, and for a moment that seemed never-ending, all Meredith could hear was the hustle and bustle of the hospital, mingling with the domestic sounds of Derek making breakfast. "We'll figure it out," she offered eventually, sighing.

"You're a fool," Cristina said slowly, drawing each word out. "Building a life with Shepherd. It all fell down when I tried it," she finished darkly.

"Did I ever question your relationship with Burke?" Meredith asked, clenching her fist tightly around the handle of her mug as she fought to keep her voice even. "I got you down the freaking aisle at your wedding, and I _know_that what happened really, really sucks, and I know that Hahn is sucking you of the desire to get out of bed in the morning, and you _know_ I know how all that feels, because you know I've felt it all before. But please, don't compare Derek and me to you and Burke."

"You're right," Cristina pressed. "I _did_ see you feel all that before, because of him. Don't let him ruin your life, Meredith, please. Don't change who you are for him. I'm saying this as your person, because I don't want to see you end up where I am."

"Derek and I are_ not_ the same. We're both trying to make this work, and I believe him when he says he's done hurting me. We're not changing for one another, we're just seeing if we can fit together as we are, and so far it's actually going really, really well. You don't know what my relationship with him is like now because we've kept it private, so please, don't judge us by your standards," she added, her voice taking on a clipped character that she knew would speak volumes to Cristina that her words just couldn't.

"Meredith..."

"Don't," she snapped firmly. "I don't think I can talk to you right now. I'll talk to Derek about Hahn like I said, but that's the best I can promise you. I'll see you at the hospital," she added, hanging up with shaking fingers. Pushing her chair back slowly, she stood, turning only to be greeted by Derek himself leaning against the door of the trailer, watching her anxiously.

"I wasn't eavesdropping," he told her gently, holding a hand out slowly. "You were talking pretty loudly. I couldn't help but overhear, and I was concerned." She raised her eyes to his, and he was shocked to see them slightly bloodshot. "Come here," he ordered quietly, taking a slow step towards her. She nodded slowly, and as she crossed the decking he wrapped his arms tightly around her, pressing his lips against her hair.

"I want my friend back," she told him eventually, breaking out of his arms to walk back into the trailer, resting her back against the counter and absently picking at the fruit he continued to chop. "How much... did you hear?" she asked eventually, turning worried eyes up to his.

"Only once you started raising your voice," he assured her, resting a gentle hand on her shoulder for a long moment. "How bad are things with her and Hahn?"

"Bad," she agreed quietly. "And she's pissed because I'm not getting sidelined for having a relationship with you, and she just took it out on me," she added quietly, accepting the bowl of cereal and fruit he offered her and dropping down at the table. A hint of a smile crossed her face when he slid in next to her, rather than taking the far more sensible option of sitting opposite. "I hate arguing with her," she continued quietly, "but she just made me angry."

"From what I heard, that's allowable," he assured her, his arm coming to rest around her shoulders as she leant into him, picking absently at her cereal.

"Thank you for breakfast," she offered quietly, turning her head a little to kiss his cheek quickly in thanks. "You don't... think I'm choosing neuro because of you, do you?" she asked quietly, after a long pause. He shifted, shooting her a slightly hurt look in response. "I'm sorry, it's a stupid question. Cristina just... spooked me a little."

"I think you've chosen neuro because you enjoy it, and you're pretty damn talented at it," he told her quietly, "and I can't wait to watch you grow into the surgeon I know you'll become, as your boss _and_ as your boyfriend. But if you'd chosen something else, that wouldn't have changed anything between us."

"I know," she replied softly, and he felt her relax a little in his arms as she picked up her spoon. She knew exactly how he felt about her best friend – the two had a relationship that was based more on tolerance and a mutual affection in her direction than it was on any genuine friendship, and she knew that the conversation they were having wasn't raising Cristina in his estimations in any way. "She asked me to ask you to talk to Hahn," she offered eventually, shaking her head a little. "I told her I wouldn't," she added quietly, feeling him tense up a little. "I wouldn't ask you to do it for me, so I won't ask you to do it for her."

"That's one of the things I respect about you," he replied quietly. "I know it would be easy for you to expect me to help you and your friends to get ahead."

"I'm not risking this, now that it's finally going right," she answered honestly, shifting a little to face him. "I've told you before that you're it, for me, and I'm not jeopardising that for the chance of sorting out some hospital politics."

"Even for Cristina?"

"Even for Cristina. She's my person, and she'll always be my person, and I know you're meant to be loyal to your friends over your boyfriend, but I won't put you in a compromising position." He silenced her then with a remarkably gentle kiss, and she snaked a hand up to tangle in his hair, happy to take the comfort he was offering her. "I did tell her I'd ask you if you _knew_ what was going on, but I want you to know that anything you tell me doesn't go beyond us unless you're okay with it," she said softly, after a long pause. "I want you to be able to talk to me about things you need to talk about, without worrying whether or not I'm going to go and repeat it to all my friends the first opportunity I get. Because I won't."

"I think I can deal with those rules," he reassured her quietly, with a gentle smile. She nodded slowly, relaxing into his arms properly. "One one condition," he added after a pause, and she turned amused eyes up to his.

"It better not be sexual favours," she informed him dryly, a hint of a smirk crossing her lips. He laughed, shaking his head as he tightened his hold on her.

"Just put a time limit on when Cristina can call us?"

"It's already done."

_tbc. _


	6. Family

_**Author:**_ Sarah

_**Rating:**_ T

_**Pairing:**_ Meredith & Derek

_**Disclaimer:**_Nothing is mine. Apart from Lucy Shepherd. Her, I lay claim to.

_**Summary:**_"You've never been here before... it's only your first time." Meredith and Derek – how season 4 could've played out, from 4.07 onward.

_**Authors Note:**_I'm **so** so sorry it's taken such an unbelievable amount of time to update this – unfortunately, RL got the better of me. However I've now graduated from university (woo, go me!) and am settled in a summer job whilst I hunt for something more permanent, so fingers crossed I'll be able to continue with this more speedily (although, working at a kids theme park over the summer does lead to LONG hours.) As a consolation, however, this is the longest chapter yet, coming in somewhere near 9.5k on the word count! It's a chapter I've been working on for a long time, even if there have been gaps in the time I've had to write it, so I hope you enjoy! There's a little work on the Cristina drama, there's a fair bit more on Mark, which I got a few reviews about, there's obviously some Meredith & Derek, and there's a lot of Derek and his family. I've tackled some pretty heavy stuff with the latter point, which I really hope you like, but at the same time I'd definitely welcome comments/criticism on! Thank you so much for all your lovely reviews so far, and I'd love to hear what you think of my somewhat brief move away from the events of season 4!

* * *

--

Dr Lucy Shepherd stood just outside Chief Webber's office, cleverly concealed from the view of the neurosurgeon and plastic surgeon leaning casually against the railings on the walkway in front of her, eating sandwiches like they didn't have a care in the world. She tapped one stiletto heel idly against the floor, wondering how Derek had managed to forget to mention that he'd clearly rekindled his friendship with the man she considered as little less than a brother on such a strong level. She'd known they were talking, but talking didn't equate lunch, in her book.

Her attention was diverted briefly as a boisterous group of residents argued their way past her, and she allowed herself a smirk when she realised that the girls were clearly winning.

Glancing back over to her brother, she raised an eyebrow as the group of residents slowed, and the girl with a ponytail of dirty blonde hair who'd seemed particularly vocal as they passed her stopped in front of Derek and Mark and casually removed her brother's sandwich from his hand, taking a bite before returning it to him. The remaining residents continued to bicker between themselves, seemingly happy to pause as the blonde engaged in easy conversation with Derek and Mark.

Snippets of Nancy's dramatic descriptions of the woman who had single-handedly 'stolen' her brother's heart away from Addison flew back into her mind, and suddenly she realised.

_This_ was the slutty intern.

And that meant that it was definitely time for her to intervene.

In the least arrogant way possible, she was aware that she turned a few heads as she stepped out onto the walkway – mainly, she knew, down to the blonde hair and the heels that were unfamiliar to the hallways of Seattle Grace. But whilst that was true, it didn't seem to be enough to tear her brother's attention away from the _other_ blonde in front of him.

"Does anyone do any work around here, or do you all just stand around eating sandwiches and gossiping all day?" she asked slowly, one hand coming to rest casually on her hip as she waited for their attention. Sure enough, it came, and before she knew it she was clinging onto Derek's shoulders for dear life, unable to stop herself laughing as he swung her around.

"Lucy I swear to God if Mom sent you..."

"Relax, big brother," she chided with a laugh, "I'm here for a consult, thought I'd surprise you. I guess it turns out that _some_ people in this hospital actually value my skills, and my company. Marky," she greeted warmly, turning to her surrogate brother as Derek set her back on solid ground, realising a second too late that her feet would only touch the ground for a matter of seconds as Mark swept her up in an equally dramatic hug.

"Lucy Jayne Shepherd," he commented eventually as he stood her down, that patented smirk crossing his lips as he looked her up and down for a long moment before continuing, "you should _not_ be allowed to look this good."

"You don't change," she muttered with a grin, smacking his hands away affectionately, "and how many times do I have to tell you that hitting on me won't get you _any_where?"

"Luce," Derek interrupted eventually, tipping his head in the direction of the very confused looking woman in front of him, "this is Meredith. Mer, this is my sister Lucy," he added, wrapping an arm around Lucy's shoulders.

"It's nice to finally put a face to the name," Lucy offered with a smile, deeming it best to leave out Meredith's less than shining reputation within the Shepherd family.

"Lucy's one of the best paediatric surgeons in New York," Derek boasted proudly, with a grin in Meredith's direction.

"Are your whole family doctors?" she asked with a slightly reserved smile.

"Pretty much," Lucy replied, rolling her eyes. "We're nothing if not original."

"It's nice to meet you," Meredith told her eventually, before her attention was dragged back to the group of residents behind her.

"Much as I hate to break up the McFamily reunion," the young Asian doctor spoke up dryly, "we have to go, Mer. Now." Meredith rolled her eyes, shooting an apologetic glance in Derek's direction before jogging back into her circle of friends, who moved off as their conversation picked up once again... and Lucy was sure she heard a distinct muttering of 'McSister' from the tall blonde, met by laughter from the rest.

"Nancy got McBitch," Derek commented dryly from beside her, "you only got McSister. That's a good thing, they must like you."

"And why are they calling me McAnything?" Lucy asked dryly, raising an eyebrow and knowing that if she waited long enough she'd be graced with an explanation.

"Meredith's friends named Derek McDreamy," Mark cut in helpfully, directing a satisfied smirk in his friend's direction.

"And then called you McSteamy when you tried to hit on Meredith," he shot back mockingly, trying to ignore the blush that flashed across his cheeks.

"McSteamy beats 'McDreamy' any day."

"In your dreams."

"Actually," Lucy cut in smoothly, before Mark could reply, "I think McDreamy kinda steals it," she told him with a laugh.

"I knew there was a reason you were my favourite sister," Derek told her, ruffling her hair affectionately."

"Then you'll have no problem sparing the time to escort your 'favourite sister' to the paeds ward."

--

Meredith slid her tray onto the table in the cafeteria, dropping gratefully into the empty seat next to Izzie and uncapping her water.

"Callie hates me," she announced dramatically after a long gulp of water, slamming the bottle back on her tray before picking up her fork.

"You _don't_ have the monopoly on that," Izzie muttered, glaring at Alex as he laughed through a mouthful of pizza.

"Her surgeries are just so mind-numbingly boring," Meredith ranted through her mouthful, swallowing quickly before continuing. "I got so bored I managed to count the wall tiles in the gallery from where I was standing," she added dramatically, dropping back against her chair as Izzie and Alex laughed.

"At least you're _getting_ some OR time," Cristina muttered bitterly, narrowing her eyes at her from across the table. Meredith sighed, dropping her fork against her tray as she pushed herself up.

"Would you please just get over it, already?" she asked tiredly, fixing her gaze on her friend. "My answer's _not_ going to change."

"What's going on?" Izzie asked curiously, glancing nervously between her friends.

"Nothing," Cristina snapped, stabbing a forkful of salad aggressively.

"Seriously," Meredith muttered, her anger starting to show. "You're actually telling her that 'nothing' has you not talking to me? Seriously! 'Nothing', Izzie," she began, glaring at Cristina as she moved to speak, "shut up," she snapped firmly, turning back to the blonde sitting to her left. "'_Nothing'_ is the fact that Cristina expects me to get Derek to talk to Hahn for her, and I'm not doing it."

"Seriously?" Izzie repeated incredulously, swinging her gaze to Cristina. "You can't ask her to do that!"

"Don't get on your high horse, Tinkerbell. You try getting no OR time and _then_ tell me what you'd do in my position," Cristina ranted crankily.

"You and Derek are getting along so well now, you can't ask him to do that," Izzie insisted earnestly, her attention instantly turned back to Meredith.

"I'm not going to," Meredith assured her firmly. "Even if I asked, he wouldn't do it anyway."

"Good!" Izzie exclaimed, nodding. "Cristina you have to work this out with Hahn on your own, getting _another_ Attending to interfere is just going to make it worse."

"See!" Meredith insisted through a mouthful of food, gesturing excitedly towards Izzie with her fork. "_She_ talks some sense!"

"Mer, please don't point your fork at me," Izzie chided absently, her attention immediately focused back on Cristina. "But I am talking sense, and you know it," she continued, narrowing her eyes at her.

"Much as I hate to agree with her, it's true," Alex cut in. "When I was stuck with Addison last year, running to Sloan didn't help," he pointed out. "In fact, it made things worse. Getting Shepherd to fight your corner is only going to make her think you can't stand up for yourself."

"So what do you _all_ suggest I do?" Cristina asked crankily, glaring at them all. Meredith sighed, dropping her fork down on her plate.

"I'm tired of having this argument with you," she announced, pulling her tray roughly off the table. "I'll... catch up with you guys later," she added, tipping her tray smoothly into the trash without breaking a stride as she headed for the doors, resolutely ignoring Izzie's calls.

"Hey," Derek offered slightly breathlessly, materialising magically at her side as she reached the doors, rubbing her arm lightly. "Everything okay? That was a speedy exit..."

"Cristina," she muttered, glancing at him quickly.

"Still?" he asked, gripping her arm lightly to guide her in the direction he was walking. "I'm on my way to surgery, with Lucy. Walk with me?"

"I thought she was here on a peads case?"

"Hmm? She is," he confirmed, giving her a brief run-down of the surgery and his involvement as they walked. "Is Cristina still mad at you?" he asked eventually, concern crossing his face as she visibly tensed.

"Like you wouldn't believe," she confirmed, rolling her eyes slightly. "I don't know what she's expecting me to say, it's not even like you getting involved would make it any better," she ranted, offering him a quick smile when he squeezed her shoulder.

"She'll get over it eventually," he muttered, doing his best to keep the sarcasm out of his voice. She narrowed her eyes a little, but nodded in appreciation of his recognised efforts. "She just needs to prove herself to Hahn. Or better yet, prove herself to the Chief _and_ Hahn," he mused, shrugging his shoulders slightly as she glanced up at him in surprise.

"When did you get so wise?" she asked eventually, a slow smile crossing her lips.

"It's a talent. Some are born with it, others... well, aren't."

"And _some_ are born with an overactive modesty gene, clearly," she shot back, smirking slightly. "Smartass," she added for effect, laughing softy at the wounded look on his face. "My words are cutting, I know. I'll make it up to you later," she told him as they neared the scrub room, rolling her eyes at the sudden sparkle in his eyes. They stood there for a long moment, his fingers absently caressing her shoulder before they snapped out of it, back to their present location. "I'm gunna go... get myself a hot case," she muttered eventually, glancing around to check they were alone before kissing him quickly. "Seeing as Cristina hates me already, her feelings can't get much worse so I might as well make the most of it. Good luck with your surgery," she added, turning quickly on her heel and heading back towards the surgical wards, offering a quick wave over her shoulder.

"Smitten," Lucy commented dryly, materialising out of nowhere behind him, receiving nothing but a roll of his eyes from her brother. "Absolutely smitten."

--

"Maybe I see why you're this hotshot head of neurosurgery now," Lucy commented lightly, coming to a halt beside her brother as they scrubbed out some hours later.

"Not so bad yourself, squirt," he shot back cheerfully, pausing to grin at her. "I'm surprised we managed to go this long without scrubbing in together, actually."

"Good things come to those who wait," she pointed out, water dripping down to her elbows as she waited for him to pass her some paper towels. "So," she began bluntly, casting a quick glance around to check they were alone, and deciding there was no point in wasting any time. "The lusty... lusty? No... Slutty. Slutty intern. She doesn't seem that slutty to me," she rambled, as they walked out of the scrub room, "but then again I did only meet her for a few minutes. So, I'm relying on you to fill me in even if you _are_ slightly biased, seeing as you're taking me out for dinner tonight."

"We're..."

"No arguments. I haven't seen you in over a year, Derek, you're taking me out for dinner. Mark can come, and Meredith too obviously. So I need to know what to expect."

"There's a good steakhouse about twenty minutes out," he told her, resting a hand lightly on her back to guide her through to his office.

"That's not what I wanted to hear and you know it," Lucy chided, throwing herself casually onto the sofa as Derek closed the door.

"When did you get so bossy?"

"Keeps you in line," she replied sweetly, folding her arms casually behind her head. "What?" she queried, spotting his amused expression.

"I said that to Meredith once," he told her, flashing the most genuine smile she'd seen all day in her direction.

"What's she like?"

"She's... dark and twisty, even though she wants to be bright and shiny," he told her quietly. "She has trust issues, and she's not very good at the whole communication thing yet. She's never done this before, but she _wants_ to. She's... she's everything, Luce."

"You never spoke that way about Addie," Lucy pointed out quietly, a slow smile crossing her lips. "You really love her, don't you?" she asked softly, just smiling fully as he nodded. "So, dark and twisty?" she asked with a grin.

"Like you wouldn't believe. You two would actually get on really well. Both have a habit of rambling far too much," he countered affectionately, tipping his chair back a little and raising an eyebrow as he changed the subject smoothly, his voice betraying the barest hint of sarcasm. "Speaking of relationships, how's the lovely Andy?"

"You forgave Mark?"

"Ouch," Derek shot back, pulling a face at her. "He's our brother, Luce, and he's sorry. That's good enough for me," he told her simply, picking up the blackberry that buzzed incessantly on his desk.

_Brief me on the McFamily._

The message was simple, the number instantly recognisable. Meredith wasn't one to waste words, particularly when she had to take the time to type them out. He grinned slightly, quickly tapping out a response before meeting his sister's amused smirk.

"Meredith?" she teased, idly tangling a strand of blonde hair round her finger.

"Yeah," he replied with a smile, choosing his next words carefully. "She's, uhh... not really a family person." Lucy tilted her head inquisitively, not wanting to pry too far. "It's not for me to say, but..."

"Bad childhood? Trust issues?" she asked perceptively, nodding slowly at Derek's nod of agreement. "Sucks, no one deserves that."

"She has her friends," he told her. "They're her family now – the group she was with earlier? They were interns together, had the same resident," he explained, and she laughed in understanding. Both still kept in touch with their own intern friends, united by that joint experience that no one else ever really understood. "Luce," he added slowly, shaking his head a little. "They don't really think of her as the slutty intern, do they?"

"Mom is _perfectly_ aware of Nancy's ability to over-exaggerate and distort the truth, and she's perfectly aware that Nancy is Addison's friend more than she was her sister-in-law. So are the others. They'll make their own decisions _when you let them_," she finished, one eyebrow raised. "Which I understand a little more now. The reluctance to let them visit, I mean," she added quickly.

"Will you tell them that? When they start questioning you?"

"Do you want me to?" she questioned quietly, receiving a quick nod in response. "Then yeah, I'll tell them that. And once I chat to her over dinner, I'll tell them what I think about her," she added. "Judging on what I've seen and what you've told me, I think that'll be good things."

"Thank you, Luce," he said quietly, standing slowly and moving round to give her a hug.

"I miss you, Derek," she said quietly into his chest after a long silence, her arms snaking around his torso. He kissed her hair lightly, rubbing her back gently.

"What's going on, squirt?" he asked quietly, drawing back a little and trailing his fingers through her hair. "The new hair... which is gorgeous, by the way; the heels... you're like a new Addie in the making," he teased gently, wrapping an arm around her shoulders as they sat on the sofa, "but that's not you," he added. "I know I've been an awful brother recently, and I probably don't deserve to ask, but if something's wrong I'll listen."

"What makes you think something's wrong?" she asked weakly, tucking her hair unnecessarily behind her ear.

"You're not yourself, you're dodging questions about the guy who was the love of your life, and you're sitting there trying to fight back tears about something," he answered perceptively, giving her a gentle tug until she settled back in his arms.

"You always did know me better than I knew myself," she told him slightly shakily, taking a deep breath. "In a way I guess I was hoping you'd notice something was wrong," she admitted, shrugging her shoulders slightly in acknowledgement, "so I wouldn't have to bring it up."

"Talk to me," he urged her gently, when she lapsed back into silence.

"I'm not sure if I'm ready to talk about it yet," she offered quietly. "I've put on this happy facade for so long, it almost feels like its real and I guess..." she trailed off as there was a sharp knock on the door, and Meredith entered with a confidence that Lucy knew came only from having an intimate relationship with the person whose office you were entering.

"Crap," she announced as she entered, hovering in the doorway and looking slightly flustered at the realisation that Derek wasn't alone. "Sorry! I mean... yeah. I can come back," she added, gesturing behind her.

"Meredith, it's fine," Lucy insisted, running a hand roughly through her hair and taking a second to compose herself. "I need to pop and see Richard quickly, you stay."

"You've got a couple of hours left, right?" Derek asked Meredith, waiting for her answering nod before continuing. "Luce, we'll go grab a drink and finish that conversation once you're done with the Chief?"

"Sure," she replied with a weak smile, slipping out of the door quickly.

"Everything okay?" Meredith asked quietly, taking Lucy's vacated seat next to Derek and kicking her shoes off with a contented sigh. He shrugged a little, and she reached over to slip her fingers through his as they rested on his thigh. "Your surgery was a success right?"

"Went without a hitch," he replied softly, squeezing her fingers gently.

"I already knew that," she confessed, smiling sheepishly. "I picked up the chart on my way over." He laughed, affection clear in his eyes as he lapsed into silence next to her.

"I think I've been a bad brother," he told her eventually, leaning his head back against the back of the sofa as her fingers started a gentle massage on his thigh. "Something's up with Lucy, and I haven't been around enough to notice."

"She's the one you talk to the most though, right?" she asked, tipping her head to the side a little. "I've seen the name on your cell when you say your sister is calling," she added quietly, smiling a little.

"Luce and I were two years apart," he told her with a soft smile. "There's four years between Charlotte and Lucy, and Nancy and Kathleen are the oldest. We bonded out of necessity, I guess." He paused for a second, smiling as she mouthed the names a couple of times, committing them to memory. "She likes you, and that's not going to change because you forget the names and age order of our sisters, so relax," he told her, finding it entirely adorable that she seemed so excited about the fact, as she curled up on the sofa next to him. Wrapping an arm around her shoulders, he let out a sigh before continuing. "We talk, Lucy and I, but not about the important stuff. We used to have lunch once a week in New York, and she'd come over to watch movies and drink beer when Addie went out with the girls," he added with a fond smile. "That's probably why you're proving so popular, actually. Luce couldn't stand Addison."

"Polar opposite of Nancy then?" she asked with a grin, glancing up at him. "You're her big brother, she clearly adores you... not that I'm trying to make that head _any_ bigger," she added quickly, with an accompanying smile. "But you sound like you're close, so she'll tell you when she's ready."

"You have," he replied softly, and she nodded, reaching up to kiss his cheek.

"I have," she agreed with a warm smile. "So, I'm speaking from experience. Trust me," she smirked slightly settling back into his arms. "And while you're waiting, give me a crash course on the Shepherd clan."

--

Derek slid smoothly into a booth at Joe's next to Lucy, sliding a glass of wine across the table to his sister, who smiled gratefully as he rested a hand around his own scotch.

"So this is the place to be seen?" she asked, surveying the crowd around her with interest. "They look like hospital types," she commented thoughtfully, glancing over to see her brother with an almost sickening smile on his face. "You met her here, didn't you," she stated, rolling her eyes. "Go on," she humoured him, settling herself back against the wall.

"She was just a girl in a bar," he replied, the smile on his face telling her that there was a lot more to the story, had you been there. "That's a story for another time, though," he told her eventually. "I know I've been a bad brother recently, Luce," he said slowly, repeating his earlier sentiment almost remorsefully. "But I also know you're not... yourself."

"Am I that easy to read?" she asked softly, running a hand through her hair.

"Only to your big brother," he teased affectionately, resting one hand on her back as she braced her elbows on the table. "I'm right if I guess it's something to do with Andy, right?" he asked gently, the immediate tension in her shoulders telling him everything he needed to know before she even started to speak. "Come on, Luce."

"Earlier," she said softly, glancing over at him eventually, "you said he _was_ the love of my life..."

"Call it intuition," he offered quietly. "But you haven't ended it yet..."

"He changed, Derek. I just... if you asked me, I couldn't tell you when, but he did." She paused, shook her head a little, and continued. "He got... aggressive. At first, it was just when he'd had a few too many drinks, you know? And I didn't really think twice of it, but it started to happen when he wasn't drunk, and suddenly..."

"Lucy..." Derek broke in, fighting to control the anger in his voice as his head finished off her sentence against his will. "Shit," he whispered under his breath as she choked on her sob, turning her face into his shoulder.

"He was diagnosed with bipolar disorder two weeks ago," she told him eventually, her voice muffled by his jumper. "The day... the day after he... I made him go to a doctor. That wasn't the man I fell in love with, and I just... I _knew_. I knew something was wrong, but now it's all messed up and I don't know what to do."

"Luce, what did he do?" he asked quietly, rubbing her back reassuringly. She took a shuddery breath and righted herself slowly, rubbing her eyes with her fists. He caught her hands, wiping her tears gently himself and earning a weak smile in thanks. "I'm the first person you've told," he guessed, "right?" The look in her eyes was all the confirmation he needed. "It might help to talk about it..."

"It was so random at first," she said eventually, her voice quiet and distant. "The anger was never provoked by anything big, he'd just... snap. I guess the doctor in me should have realised that it was something more..."

"It's not so easy to do when it's someone you love," he pointed out gently, just squeezing her fingers gently.

"I thought I just... didn't know him well enough, that he'd been hiding that angry streak to woo me," she told him, her voice rough as a few more tears snuck down her cheeks. He swiped them away gently, his heart breaking. "How stupid was I?"

"Lucy you're anything but stupid. You can't blame yourself for this..."

"I let him _hit_ me, Derek," she choked out, with a fresh onslaught of tears. "I let him hit me and I still love him," she whispered, her voice breaking. "Tell me how that isn't stupid?"

"You've spent five years of your life with him," he told her softly, just wrapping his arms around her. "That's a lot of time to throw away." She sobbed quietly, her face turned into his body again as he lapsed into silence, just rubbing her back gently. "You wouldn't be the person you are today if you walked away at the first sign of trouble," he told her eventually, letting his chin rest atop her hair. "Do you want to tell me what happened?"

"Not really," she whispered, her voice rough with unshed tears. "It..."

"Still a little raw?" he guessed, shifting a little with her answering nod. "You know, if you need to get away for longer, take a break... we can sort something out, you're always welcome here."

"Thank you," she whispered quietly, just wiping her tears away slowly. "Derek, I think I have to leave him," she whispered, heartbreak evident in her voice. "He almost... he's only... but..." she shook her head sharply, unable to get her words out.

"You can't live with the possibility," he finished quietly.

"Does that make me weak?" she asked quietly, turning tearstained eyes up to his for the first time. "He's not... he's not Andy anymore. And I _know_ it can be managed, I _know _it's an illness, but he..."

"How were things before?" he asked quietly, catching something in her eyes as she talked. "Before things started to change."

"I think... the honeymoon period had worn off," she confessed quietly. "He resented that I worked such long hours, I hated that he... he didn't understand. I thought we were just... adjusting to living together, but in hindsight..." They were silent for a moment, as both thought over her revelation. "I guess maybe it isn't just the illness," she realised quietly.

"The illness is making you forget all of that," Derek answered quietly. "You forget all the bad things, all you can think is that someone you love is ill. It's not... no one would think any worse of you..." he stopped, the similarities to Meredith and Ellis not lost on him throughout. "Lucy you deserve to be happy..."

"Like you are with Meredith?" she asked quietly, glancing at him.

"Meredith and I... we've had our problems," he told her quietly. "No relationship is perfect, but you know... you _know_," he repeated, his hand brushing against his heart, "when it's worth fighting for. You might not be able to justify it to anyone else, but do you care what anyone else thinks?"

"He hurt me," she sobbed quietly, the tears welling up once again. "He... I _trusted_ him when he said he was the only person who'd never hurt me, and he did..."

"Dad always used to tell you never to settle for anything less than you deserved," Derek commented quietly, catching her hand in his again.

"And he always used to tell _you_ never to be anything less than you'd expect for one of us," she finished quietly, resting her head against his shoulder again. "You get more and more like him, Derek," she told him quietly. "He... he would've known what to do, he would've told me..." she trailed off, swiping away a tear Derek knew was entirely unrelated to her love life, and he hugged her close gently.

"Take your time," he told her gently. "Take a break, think things over. This isn't something you have to rush, but... promise me you'll do what feels right here," he told her quietly, resting her hand over her heart gently.

"Can you still love someone, but know you have to leave them?" she asked quietly, looking up at him, "is that possible?"

"I think it is," he answered quietly, rubbing his hand soothingly down her arm. "There's not necessarily going to be any logic to your decision, but you just... have to go with what feels right."

"Is that what you did, with Addison and Meredith?"

"I guess so," he nodded. "I tried to convince myself that staying with Addie was the right thing to do, but I think I always knew, deep down, that she wasn't where I wanted to be."

"Do you still love her?" Lucy asked, tipping her head a little.

"I wasn't _in_ love with her for a long time, even before Meredith came along, but... we were married for ten years, so I guess she'll always be special to me. Yes, she cheated on me with Mark, but I... I think I'll always feel something for her. Whether it's love in the strictest sense or not, I'm not quite sure." He paused, lost in his own thoughts for a moment until she moved, running a hand roughly through her hair. "Something will happen, and it'll be clear what you have to do," he offered eventually, wishing he could do more.

"I think... I think it might already have done," she managed eventually, and in a move far bolder than he'd ever seen from his sister, she pushed the sleeve of her jumper up over her elbow, and revealed slowly fading but distinctive nonetheless bruises.

Finger shaped bruises.

He cursed angrily under his breath once again, and the harshness of his words caused her to jolt away, pulling her jumper down roughly. He caught her gently around the waist, preventing her from fleeing the booth, and it took only seconds before she choked away her first sob.

"I thought you said he only touched you once," Derek guided quietly, just drawing her slowly against him as sobbed.

"I lied," she choked out roughly, her body falling limply against his.

"But why...?"

"I lied," she cut in sharply, anger suddenly seeping through her words, "because it's easier to lie to _myself_ and believe I only let him hurt me once, let alone admit to my big brother that I let him do that more than once." Derek sighed, just rubbing her arm soothingly as he closed his eyes – for once, he was speechless.

And in the silence, she crumbled once again, sobs choking her tiny frame as she turned her face into his shoulder, her body shaking as he tightened his arms around her.

"Tell me what to do, Derek," she choked out eventually, turning big, red-rimmed eyes up to his. His heart broke a little more, and he pulled her tightly against him again as he took a moment to contemplate his next words.

His mother had told him once, when he was younger, that he had to step up and be the male figure in his sisters' eyes, particularly the younger two, but until that moment he hadn't realised exactly what those words had meant.

With Lucy's fingers clutching at his shirt, waiting for his guidance, he realised tenfold what his parents had gone through every time one of their children had run to them for answers, even if the problems of ten-year-olds were nothing compared to what he was faced with.

"Derek?" she whispered, looking up at him almost helplessly.

"You need to get out, for a while," he decided suddenly. "Go and stay with Mom. Think it through, decide what you want to do. But please... Lucy, _please_ don't stay there while he's like this. I can't deal with that all the way over here." She looked down, the tears slowing as his hand rubbed her shoulder soothingly. "I wish I could make your decision for you, Luce. I wish I could fix it, turn the clock back..."

"I wish you could too," she told him quietly. "I won't... will you call Mom for me?" she asked quietly, the promise included in her words making his heartbeat finally slow.

"I'll call her with you," he told her quietly, "in the morning. You're making the right choice, squirt," he added affectionately, wiping the tears gently away from her cheeks.

"Meredith's a lucky woman," she told him eventually, a weak laugh only causing more tears to slip down her cheeks. He hugged her tightly once again, and she willingly rested her head against his shoulder for a long moment, taking all the comfort he was offering.

Slowly, though, their surroundings seemed to re-materialise, and she pulled away, swiping roughly at the lingering moisture on her cheeks.

"I'm just... I need..." she whispered eventually, glancing at him for confirmation. He nodded slightly, and as she pushed her way out of the booth and set off at a fast walk toward the toilets, he realised not for the first time, that she really did bear a striking resemblance to his girlfriend.

Issues and all.

--

"Meredith!" Mark called, spotting her struggling with her coat as she stepped off the elevator, moving quickly across the lobby. He jogged over as she turned her head sharply, offering him a quick smile. "Meeting Derek?"

"And Lucy," she told him with a wry smile, sounding and looking far less confident than she normally did, as the sleeve of her jacket seemed to defy her.

"Me too," he answered with a grin, straightening her jacket and holding it out for her. She smiled gratefully at him, and he gestured to the doors. "Whole family thing not going so great for you?" he asked carefully, as they stepped outside. She slowed and looked at him for a long moment, her expression bordering on defensive. "People talk, Meredith, and I've been here almost a year. I'm not trying to suggest anything; I just thought you might like an ally, seeing as we're stuck together all night."

"I don't do family," she told him after a long pause. "I especially don't do unexpected family."

"Just be yourself," Mark suggested quietly. "If it worked for Derek, it'll work for the rest of the family."

"Nancy hated me," she pointed out calmly, raising an eyebrow at him. "I'm sure she went home and told the whole family just what she thought of Derek's slutty intern."

"Does Derek ever accept what someone else thinks, if he doesn't believe it himself?" Mark persisted, catching her arm as she went to speed up. "He doesn't, and Derek is nothing if not typical Shepherd. They'll all make their own decisions, when you let them," he told her lightly. "Besides, when you met Nancy if I remember correctly, everything was a bit of a mess. And that's another Shepherd trait. They'll admit when they're wrong. Nancy's friends with Addison, but at that point everyone thought _I _was the bad guy for sleeping with Derek's wife, and they thought that _Derek_ was the bad guy for shacking up with you. They didn't know that Addie had played her own part by living with me for three months," he finished quietly, shaking his head a little. Meredith glanced at him sceptically as they crossed the road to Joe's, and he gestured to his ears as her next words were lost by the roar of the traffic speeding behind them.

"You really think they'll like me?" she repeated as he opened the door for her, flashing him a quick, hesitant smile as they walked in. He nodded, deciding it was easier to just help her out of her jacket from the start this time than watch her struggle in the same way she did to put it on. "You're quite a gentleman when you want to be," she commented curiously, shaking her head a little in confusion. He laughed at that, flashing her a quick but happy grin.

"Guess that means I like you," he commented, backpedalling instantly, "_not_ in a steal you away from Derek way before you go running to him, just in a friendly way..."

"Relax," Meredith laughed suddenly, some of the earlier tension leaving her body as her eyes sparkled for a second, giving Mark a brief insight into just what it was Derek found so instinctively appealing about the woman by his side. "I'm flattered, actually."

"Good," he replied, glancing around for Derek and Lucy. His eyes found them engaged in what looked like a serious conversation, and as Derek wrapped an arm around his sister's shoulders, she turned her face instantly into his shoulder, and he realised with a sharp shock that Lucy was crying. Touching Meredith's arm briefly, he guided her gaze over to them, and heard her let out a sad sigh in response.

"Derek thought something was wrong," she commented quietly, flashing Mark a sad smile.

"You wanna grab a drink?" he asked, gesturing over to the bar. "Give them a little privacy?" She nodded, and they took their seats at the bar strategically, so that they could keep an eye on the siblings across the bar. Mark caught Joe's attention, smiling in greeting, "I'll take a beer, and a shot of... what is it she drinks? Tequila?" he requested, gesturing to Meredith, and Joe nodded in confirmation, shooting an amused smirk at Meredith who was now staring at Mark in confusion. "To calm your nerves," he told her, raising an eyebrow until she silently nodded her acceptance.

"Thanks," she told him softly, as she gratefully accepted the drink Joe slid over the bar to her.

"So... who's the blonde? I thought you two were done breaking up?" he asked nosily, leaning against the bar.

"She's his sister," Meredith answered, pausing to tip her shot back in one easy move as Mark looked on, impressed. "We're having dinner with them," she added, gesturing between herself and Mark.

"Hence the tequila," Joe guessed, smiling sympathetically. "If she doesn't love you, she's a fool," he offered, before heading across the bar to take another order.

"He's right, you know," Mark pointed out. "And Lucy's the most easy-going of the Shepherd's, even more so than Derek..."

"Doesn't mean she'll get along with _me_," Meredith commented, the pitch of her voice raising a little. "I told you, I don't _do_ family. Real family, fake family, boyfriend's family... you've been here a while, you've seen what's happened with my attempts at family. I'm just not meant to be a family person, and then Derek's sister turns up out of the blue. So I panic, and I freak out, because I've never had a family, and I don't know what I'm doing, and then I ramble a lot, and you're not Derek so you shouldn't be having to sit here putting up with this–"

"Did you even take a breath?" Mark asked, amused. Meredith shot him a glare, gesturing quickly for Joe to fill up her drink. "Lucy rambles a lot too. I think you'll get on better than you think," he offered with a smile, turning his attention back to his beer while she made quick work of her second shot. "You know," he offered quietly, after a long silence, "I'm sure Derek's already told you this, but Lucy and Addison really didn't get on, and you... well, you're pretty much the anti-Addison. That's already put you way up in her books." He paused for a moment, taking a sharp swig of his beer before continuing, his voice darker. "It's also probably why she's the person who forgave me the quickest after what happened." He heard Meredith twist to face him slowly, but stared straight ahead until he felt her fingers hesitantly resting on his arm.

"I'd never thought about it that way," she commented quietly, shaking her head a little.

"None of us were blameless in their marriage breaking up," he spoke quietly, almost as if he wasn't talking to her. "But because Addie was too scared to tell them she fell in love with me, I took the brunt of their anger." He sighed, turning to face her. "You said you've never had a family before... until I met the Shepherd's, I didn't either, and I almost threw that away. So I know how you're feeling more than you can imagine."

"Mark, are you okay?" Meredith asked softly, tilting her head a little. "Are you happy here? I mean," she swept an arm around them, "in Seattle?"

"I was unhappy in New York," he answered evasively, shrugging his shoulders a little and tipping his beer back once more.

"That doesn't answer my question. I'm the Queen of avoidance, so don't try telling me you're fine, either. Won't work."

"You're feisty, Grey," Mark commented with a smirk, earning himself a smack on the shoulder. "I can see why Derek –"

"_Enough_," she ordered firmly, "or I'll leave you here drinking on your own."

"Sorry," he muttered contritely. "When you're not fine, you drink tequila. My tequila is hitting on inappropriate women..."

"So you're not fine," she pointed out softly. When he raised an eyebrow sceptically, she continued. "You're living out of a hotel room, which I think might actually be marginally worse than living out of a trailer, and suggests that you're not happy here."

"I am happy here," he told her honestly. "In New York I had no one, at least... no one like Derek. We had friends, but it was always the two of us, and suddenly I come here and he's moved on and become this whole different _happy _person, and Addie..." he sighed, glancing over at her as he ran a hand through her hair. "I think I loved her. Did you know she challenged me to go sixty days without sleeping with anyone else, if I wanted to be with her? Well she did," he continued as she shook her head, "and I was doing it, because I wanted to be with her."

"What happened?" Meredith asked quietly, biting her lip with a sneaking suspicion she already knew the answer.

"She slept with Karev," he muttered quietly, "so I told her I broke the promise first, because I loved her and I couldn't stand seeing the guilt on her face. And now she's gone, and I..."

"You did love her, Mark, every time you talk about her that's clear, but you have to move on. But you know, it won't make people respect you any less if you let them see this side of you occasionally."

"Erica told me the same thing the other night," he commented thoughtfully.

"Hahn?" she questioned, almost surprised. "You don't still have a thing –"

"No," he replied quickly, shaking his head swiftly. "Although, remind me to hurt Derek for telling you that," he added, with a quick, teasing smirk. "I think... I don't know what that was. She intrigued me, when she wasn't interested. It's not... something I'm used to." They both laughed, and he let out a deep sigh, resting his head against his hand.

"You know, it's okay to admit you're lonely every now and again," she said eventually, breaking the silence. He looked over at her slowly, and she knew instantly that she'd hit the right idea. "Not admitting it has gotten me into a lot of trouble," she continued, "and at the end of the day, when Derek and I broke up the thing that gave me the courage to tell him I wanted more than just sex was the fact that those moments were the _only_ time when I didn't feel lonely." She paused for a long moment, shooting him a sad smile. "If you're staying here, you need to start to build yourself a life. I bet going home to a hotel every might just makes you feel worse."

"When did you get so wise?" he asked, running a hand over his face. She laughed softly, with a slight shrug of her shoulders. "I don't know where to start," he admitted eventually. "I want to stay, but..."

"Move out of the hotel," she urged gently. "I know how much you're worth," she added teasingly, "call a realtor. You need to do this." She was distracted momentarily by the sight of her friends entering the bar, and she waved at them as they settled on the other side of the bar, sighing as Cristina simply shot a slightly bitter glance in her direction before ordering a drink grumpily. Running a hand through her hair, frustrated, she let her breath out a little sharper than she'd been intending to, inadvertently attracting Mark's attention.

"You can go talk to them if you want," he offered graciously, following her gaze across the bar. She shook her head sharply, turning away a little. "Everything okay?"

"Cristina... isn't exactly talking to me," she muttered reluctantly. "It's not a big deal; she'll get over it eventually."

"Do you want to talk about it?" Mark asked, glancing at her almost curiously. She shook her head slowly, smiling sadly.

"I don't think I can go spreading her personal life around," she offered apologetically, shrugging slightly. "I might be mad at her, but that's not fair." She paused for a long moment, and glanced at him. "A few weeks ago you wouldn't have asked. Wouldn't even have let me finish my sentence..."

"I'm growing," he muttered wryly.

"I'm very proud," she told him with a soft laugh, shooting another glance over towards her friends as she and Mark lapsed into their own thoughts. She wanted to sort things out with Cristina, but it wasn't as simple as the arguments they'd had before. Her whole _life_ wasn't as simple as it had been before.

If it was, she probably wouldn't be sitting at a bar with Mark waiting for Derek to finish a conversation with his sister who appeared to like her so that they could all go out to dinner, after all.

"How do you feel about house hunting?" Mark asked eventually, drawing her out of her thoughts after a long moment of silence.

"I'm not averse to it," she answered after a moment's consideration, smiling. "And I've also learnt that there's nothing wrong with asking for help every now and again." She added quietly, trailing a finger round her empty shot glass as she gave him a moment to process that. He was silent for a long moment, before he sat up, drained his beer, and spun his stool round to face her.

"Will you come house hunting with me?"

"Sure," she agreed with a smile, happy when he met it with one of his own. Leaning around him a little, she glanced over at where Derek and Lucy had been sitting, surprised to find him sitting alone. Mark touched her arm and tipped his head to the side, and she turned just in time to see Lucy walking swiftly towards the bathrooms. Meredith smiled, slipping off her stool and glancing back quickly to check Mark was following, before walking over and sliding into the booth next to Derek, who had his head resting in his hands. "Hi," she offered quietly, slipping an arm through his and kissing his cheek softly as Mark sat down opposite them. "Derek?" she asked eventually, when she got no answer. He nodded his head quickly, and she rubbed his arm in response, glancing worriedly at Mark. Eventually he moved, slipped his arm around her shoulders, and pressed a quick kiss to her lips... and if she noticed that his cheeks were a little damp, she kept it to herself.

"So, Meredith and I are going house hunting," Mark announced with a grin, and as the three of them laughed, Meredith allowed herself to relax a little into Derek's arms, which were holding her a little tighter than usual.

"Should I be worried?" he asked, his voice light but just a little strained.

"Oh yeah," she told him with a grin, "Mark's promised me a house with proper plumbing, heating, a kitchen... the whole works."

"You don't even cook," he pointed out, smiling softly. "You're moving out of the Archfield?" he asked Mark eventually, nodding his head in approval. "It's about time."

"Well, someone convinced me of that," Mark replied, tipping his head a little in Meredith's direction before glancing to the side as Lucy walked back over. "Alright gorgeous?" he asked with a grin, and Meredith watched as Lucy's face lit up with just a hint of a smile as she slid into the booth next to him, settling easily into what she was sure was a well-practised routine of banter with Mark, and a welcome distraction in that particular moment.

"Are you okay?" she asked, turning her attention to Derek as she brought her fingers up to rest lightly on his cheek. He nodded slowly, catching her fingers in his and giving them a gentle squeeze, in a gesture she instantly understood to mean they would talk about it later.

--

"It's not easy, finding out someone you love is that ill," Meredith commented quietly as Derek finished relating Lucy's situation to her, the similarities to her own not evading her either. She ducked under his arm and rested her head against his chest as she pulled the blanket tighter around them, managing a hint of a smile as he tightened his arm around her in response. Having dropped Lucy off at her hotel, they'd decided the proximity of her house, particularly when considering their early shifts the following day, had been the only practical choice, but she knew that if he was honest, he would have wished for the solitude of the trailer.

She'd been witness to, from a slight distance, what had looked to be an understandably emotional goodnight between the siblings as Derek insisted on making sure he walked her right to the door of the hotel – stopped, she was sure, from walking her right to her room only by Lucy herself.

He let out a soft sigh, drawing her out of her thoughts somewhat as his fingers trailed lightly through her hair. She kissed his chest lightly in response, letting her fingers rub soothingly against his side as she waited for him to speak.

"Derek," she prompted gently after a long silence, lifting her head a little to study him. His fingers slid around to her back, snaking their way under her shirt before flattening against her skin. She nodded slowly in response to his silent question, and laid her head against his shoulder once more.

Because she knew better than anyone that sometimes, it was easier to talk to someone when you weren't looking in their eyes.

"I told her I'd call Mom with her tomorrow," he commented eventually. "I haven't spoken to her in weeks, and I have to ring her to tell her this..."

"She'll just be glad that you're there for Lucy," she told him quietly. "Glad that she isn't dealing with it on her own anymore..."

"The look in her eyes," he said eventually. "I can't... I can't imagine what she's going through, yet she's looking to me for answers."

"I can," Meredith offered eventually, with a slight shrug of her shoulders, "and I can imagine what you're going through too. I'm sure you can relate to the feeling of loving someone even though you know you can't... or shouldn't," she added softly. He tensed, and she shook her head a little, catching his fingers with hers. "Don't make this about us," she told him softly, "you know we've dealt with that. Just... keep in mind how you felt when you're talking to Lucy, that's all I'm saying."

"I know," he said softly. "I know that's what you meant, but it doesn't stop me from being sorry." She smiled her appreciation, rubbing her thumb over the back of his hand. "What do I do?" he asked quietly, shaking his head a little.

The irony was lost on neither of them – for once, it was he who was lost in a situation she was sadly far too familiar.

"Be there for her," she told him quietly, as if it were the simplest thing in the world. "That's all I ever wanted, really. While she was ill, and I couldn't tell anyone, all I wanted was someone to be there for _me_ while I had to be strong for her, you know?"

"I know," he said softly, acutely aware that he himself had failed her on that front once she'd finally found the courage to share her secret.

"Lucy knows you can't tell her what to do, even when she asks," she pointed out softly. "Even if you don't know what to say right now, when she needs you to, you'll say the right things."

"They used to go to dad for things like this," he commented softly. "She's looking to me for that now."

"What was your dad like?" she asked softly, twisting a little in his arms. He smiled, a hint of warmth returning to his eyes as she tipped her head back to look at him. "I want to know," she urged gently, before resting her head back against his shoulder, missing the emotion in his eyes at the realisation that, not only was she was willing to ignore her own pain to ease his, but she was also asking out of her own interest.

She wasn't too scared to ask.

"He was... he was a good man. It would be easy for me to tell you he was amazing and perfect, but he was... fair. More than all of that, he was fair. If we needed to be told off, we were, and he could be scary," he added with a chuckle. "But he was _always_there. He was kind, and patient... he would've done anything for us, I'm sure."

"What did he do... as a job?" she asked softly, with a secret feeling she already knew the answer.

"He was a surgeon," Derek confirmed carefully, his fingers slipping up to her shoulder, ready to ease the tension that never really appeared.

"That's nice," she said softly. "To know that some people _can_ be surgeons and parents, even if it's not what I had." She leaned up, slowly, and kissed him, before resuming her original position once more. "I don't resent you for having that," she told him softly. "I don't want you to feel like you can't talk about it because you'll hurt me..."

"Mer..."

"Growing," she replied with a small smile, turning shining eyes up to his. He laughed softly, nodding his head in acknowledgement as their eyes met for a long moment.

She smiled as he squeezed her hand, and pulled the covers up a little further when she felt a slight shiver run through his body, and she realised that her own words rang true in that moment – right then, all he needed was someone to be there for him while he tried to figure out how to help Lucy.

"How can I take his place?" he asked softly, after a long silence. "How can I even try to fill his shoes and tell her what to do?"

"I think, if I'd met him," she said slowly, taking a moment to consider her words, "I would've realised where you got everything that makes you... _you,_ from. Your description of him rang pretty true..."

"Meredith, I..."

"I'm just saying it as I see it," she told him softly, although her eyes showed a gentle acceptance of the words she couldn't quite let him say.

"Thank you," he answered softly, closing his arms around her once more. "Lucy said... she told me I was getting more like him," he told her quietly, his chin coming to rest atop her head in a well-practised position.

"Then you'll know what to do," she mumbled softly, tucking herself comfortably into his side. "And even if you don't, we'll figure it out in the morning," she told him tiredly, her words betraying her exhaustion.

And as he settled down to sleep, he realised that it was that simple acknowledgement of the fact that they were in this together that meant more than anything else she'd said that evening.

They would figure it out.

--

_tbc. _


End file.
